I've been feeling the roller coaster of the work force.
Sometimes I help people that are so appreciative, so kind. They make my job feel so worthwhile and meaningful. Sometimes I find just the thing they needed and I make their day. Sometimes I love the people I work with so much I just want to put them in my pocket and take them with me everywhere I go.
Other times my job seems pointless. I sit at the computer for two hours without helping a single person. Then someone finally comes along and they are snotty and mean and unappreciative and self-serving and unkind. And then a coworker forgets to come into work so I have to cover for them or they hover and ask nosy questions or they are just plain annoying. And I want to be done.
Until I think about job searching.
And then no matter how boring my job can be, it seems like a dream compared to formatting my resume, calling companies, and sending awkward inquiry emails.
Work is not always fun (hence why it is called work), but I feel like I'm learning so much at my job, even if sometimes the lesson learned is how to make a rubberband ball after 11 hours of work. And I love that I have the resources to give and save and occasionally spend. I love that I am building my own life and independence.
Isn't it so funny in life how often the things that seem to weigh us down, cause us pain, make us tired and stressed and annoyed and stretched are the very things that give us independence, self-sufficiency, happiness, resources, strength, character and ultimately freedom?
workin' like La Verkin,
M
20.5.10
13.5.10
FOOD
I've been thinking about food.
How yummy it is, how much it costs, how my tastes have changed as I've grown, how social it can be, how comforting, how dangerous, how consuming.
I have never been more keenly aware of my mortal state, and therefore my dependence on food, than when I am fasting. Denying myself of such a privilege, such a need, makes me realize how utterly controlled I am by food. So much of life revolves around putting substance into our bodies to give us health, strength, nourishment, pleasure.
And that is how it was meant to be. God made us creatures of dependence for a reason. It reminds us that we are small, that all that we are does not come from inside of ourselves. We are built out of what we consume. Food comes from the earth, the earth from God, a blessing and privilege we have been given. We need food because we need Him.
Hungry for so much,
M
How yummy it is, how much it costs, how my tastes have changed as I've grown, how social it can be, how comforting, how dangerous, how consuming.
I have never been more keenly aware of my mortal state, and therefore my dependence on food, than when I am fasting. Denying myself of such a privilege, such a need, makes me realize how utterly controlled I am by food. So much of life revolves around putting substance into our bodies to give us health, strength, nourishment, pleasure.
And that is how it was meant to be. God made us creatures of dependence for a reason. It reminds us that we are small, that all that we are does not come from inside of ourselves. We are built out of what we consume. Food comes from the earth, the earth from God, a blessing and privilege we have been given. We need food because we need Him.
Hungry for so much,
M
19.4.10
kids today
I'm studying for the dreaded ochem final in the DEPTHS of the library, so you think I wouldn't be bothered right?
Think again. There are two kids studying stats right OUTSIDE of the group study rooms and the kid two seats down from me is watching music videos on his iphone WITHOUT his earphones in.
No wonder the future looks bleak: my generation stinks.
pray I can finish finals without any murder of fellow students,
M
Think again. There are two kids studying stats right OUTSIDE of the group study rooms and the kid two seats down from me is watching music videos on his iphone WITHOUT his earphones in.
No wonder the future looks bleak: my generation stinks.
pray I can finish finals without any murder of fellow students,
M
3.3.10
today
I woke up to go running at 6. ha. hit snooze twice and then gave in and reset my alarm clock.
Even then, I still woke up the earliest I have in days, but was the latest to school I've been in months (you can blame the hair for that one; it always takes longer than I think)
I finally trudged down to the depths of the ASB to get my W2 form. Wasn't even that traumatic
I spent about 10 minutes of the hour it took me to take my virology lab test drawing a beautiful lattice picture of hemagglutination. I told the professor he better appreciate the time I took to make it look nice. He said another kid in our class made his 3D with shading. dang it.
I thought I would be healthy and eat an apple, picked up a granny smith. mealy. WHAT?! I have never in all my life had a mealy granny smith apple. It was curious though... it was only mealy on one side. I spent the rest of dinner trying to figure out why. Wicked Witch? Mrs. Meers?
People keep asking me if I got my haircut. Some guy that I see at work occasionally (and who I don't know) looked at me funny from across the room, did a double take and then when he saw that I saw him said "you did something with new with your hair. I like it" Hmmm, defintely on the creepy scale.
Currently I'm trying to use my mind powers to get this attractive boy using a computer 10 feet away to come and talk to me. It's not working very well.
oh today. it was a good day.
kisses,
M
Even then, I still woke up the earliest I have in days, but was the latest to school I've been in months (you can blame the hair for that one; it always takes longer than I think)
I finally trudged down to the depths of the ASB to get my W2 form. Wasn't even that traumatic
I spent about 10 minutes of the hour it took me to take my virology lab test drawing a beautiful lattice picture of hemagglutination. I told the professor he better appreciate the time I took to make it look nice. He said another kid in our class made his 3D with shading. dang it.
I thought I would be healthy and eat an apple, picked up a granny smith. mealy. WHAT?! I have never in all my life had a mealy granny smith apple. It was curious though... it was only mealy on one side. I spent the rest of dinner trying to figure out why. Wicked Witch? Mrs. Meers?
People keep asking me if I got my haircut. Some guy that I see at work occasionally (and who I don't know) looked at me funny from across the room, did a double take and then when he saw that I saw him said "you did something with new with your hair. I like it" Hmmm, defintely on the creepy scale.
Currently I'm trying to use my mind powers to get this attractive boy using a computer 10 feet away to come and talk to me. It's not working very well.
oh today. it was a good day.
kisses,
M
6.2.10
microBIOLOGY part II
Remember this? Well, I have a few more things to add to the list:
You know you are a microbiology major when:
M
You know you are a microbiology major when:
- you gchat your roommate about your viruses forming syncytia
- all summer long people were asking you your opinion on swine flu like someone would ask an economist their opinion about the recession
- you think to yourself, "I'd rather someone stole my wallet than my backpack, I've worked way too hard on my lab notebook to redo it"
- when you hear someone has been sick you drill them endlessly about the details: how long did the fever last? What strain of strep did the doctor say you had? Was the cough productive or non-productive?
- you can't see potato salad without thinking: public. health. disaster.
- you spend your Friday afternoon straining your eyes under the microscope looking for CPE
- you read books called The Coming Plague
- you are late to work because you were busy performing immunocytochemistry and you had to finish applying your antibodies to your infected cells
M
5.2.10
Better
There is nothing better than starting off your day with fortified OJ in a powerpuff girl cup.
How's that for empowering?
loves,
M
How's that for empowering?
loves,
M
29.1.10
Mongolia
Today I felt like walking to Mongolia
You know, just for a change of scenery, some new faces. As I walked this old skin of mine would slowly lose affinity for this body. Here and there, pieces of this old me would be replaced by new ones. I would stop and see some familiar faces along the way, but the further I got from home, the more I would feel humanity is my family.
Swimming across the Atlantic would be tough, just me and my napsack, especially considering I have less than kind words to say about large waves and rocking motions, but I think I could manage.
Think of the adventures I would have, walking old Roman roads to the end of the earth. Think of the lessons I would learn, like never to eat pickled liver or trust a man with one eye. Think of the pain I would see, of the joy. Think of the person that would come to inhabit my body.
Think of the burdens that would be placed on my shoulders. Think of the ones that I would be leaving behind. Think of how small I would feel.
Today I want to walk to Mongolia. Tomorrow it will probably be New Guinea, but what's an extra thousand miles?
M
You know, just for a change of scenery, some new faces. As I walked this old skin of mine would slowly lose affinity for this body. Here and there, pieces of this old me would be replaced by new ones. I would stop and see some familiar faces along the way, but the further I got from home, the more I would feel humanity is my family.
Swimming across the Atlantic would be tough, just me and my napsack, especially considering I have less than kind words to say about large waves and rocking motions, but I think I could manage.
Think of the adventures I would have, walking old Roman roads to the end of the earth. Think of the lessons I would learn, like never to eat pickled liver or trust a man with one eye. Think of the pain I would see, of the joy. Think of the person that would come to inhabit my body.
Think of the burdens that would be placed on my shoulders. Think of the ones that I would be leaving behind. Think of how small I would feel.
Today I want to walk to Mongolia. Tomorrow it will probably be New Guinea, but what's an extra thousand miles?
M
9.12.09
3.8.09
summer reading
I went to the library the other day. Thought I would check out some light summer reading.
the guy at the counter took one look at me and said, "research paper."
yep.
M
6.7.09
little
I don't think I've ever felt so small
as I do in international development class
as I do in international development class
It seems like we talk in circles, my head spinning as I listen.
One person says one thing, another the contradiction. They throw around highbrowed terms, thinking that they know what they are talking about. I try to follow, but rarely get up the courage to say what I really think. Everyone's statements are hollow, empty shells of thoughts no one can manage to articulate. Of course they mean well, but can any of us really do anything?
Oh how I long for sweet innocence! The days when I thought my brain and my hands were big enough to take on this mighty world. Growing comes at a heavy price.
Faith and hope abandon me for cheap thrills down at the carnival each time I step into B032 Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I walk out of class gasping for air. And yet, in the same moment of my despair, fire rages beneath the surface, and my soul is ready to jump on a plane this instant bound for the ends of the earth. An angel and a devil, both enticing me to act and to let go.
I try to walk my feelings out, decompressing as I pound the pavement on my way home from class to my empty apartment. I come in to a room full of things, all their value and meaning useless. Think, M, think. Who are you?
M
28.6.09
writing is an elusive friend. sometimes he comes sometimes he goes. sometimes he is my closest companion, the only one who seems to be there, to listen, to share wisdom and advice, and to tell me things that I knew all along. And other times... he leaves me all alone. I sit down, attempting to call my muse as I desperately try to find the words to express how feel and he runs, never to look back at my perplexed and frustrated expression.
lately he's been unavailable, busy, fickle, mean, vindictive...
just gone.
trying coax my muse back so I can say what I mean to say,
M
lately he's been unavailable, busy, fickle, mean, vindictive...
just gone.
trying coax my muse back so I can say what I mean to say,
M
14.6.09
11.6.09
Taking Stock
I'm too tired
I have a chemistry assignment to do
ha. add it to the list
It's so late
this is more pertinent
tomorrow I'll think about it
I can't think about it while I'm wearing pajamas
my eye hurts
I JUST DON'T WANT TO
But no matter how I try to push, shove, kick, or intimidate the thoughts out of my head, they keep worming their way into my stream of consciousness as if it was a rotten apple.
The worms:
It's time to reevaluate
check out my priorities
face reality
make some changes
do what I know I should be doing
have a heart to heart with myself
admit what I really want
make to do lists and do them
be productive
own up to my weaknesses
realize I can't do everything
find my happy place
Be a better grown up (even if I'm still pretending at it)
I'll start tomorrow.
hehe,
M
I have a chemistry assignment to do
ha. add it to the list
It's so late
this is more pertinent
tomorrow I'll think about it
I can't think about it while I'm wearing pajamas
my eye hurts
I JUST DON'T WANT TO
But no matter how I try to push, shove, kick, or intimidate the thoughts out of my head, they keep worming their way into my stream of consciousness as if it was a rotten apple.
The worms:
It's time to reevaluate
check out my priorities
face reality
make some changes
do what I know I should be doing
have a heart to heart with myself
admit what I really want
make to do lists and do them
be productive
own up to my weaknesses
realize I can't do everything
find my happy place
Be a better grown up (even if I'm still pretending at it)
I'll start tomorrow.
hehe,
M
4.6.09
advice to future me
You don't really like carrots. You think that you do, but every time you buy them they sit in the fridge for a few weeks until you throw them away.
Never wear mom pants. No matter how "mommy" you are.
You had a dream. To make a difference. Do. not. forget.
Stay informed. Remember what you love to do, see, hear
create
work on that indecisive thing. Trust your instinct and don't question it
never under any circumstances puff your hair up high, wear any sort of loose fitting jumper or clothing with animals/fruit/martini glasses on it, call strangers sweetheart or honey, or settle for anything less than you deserve.
Remember that one day you'll look back on this school thing with longing and wish for the endless days in the library, late nights with roommates, and poor dietary habits (oops. that's advice to present self).
be you. always.
M
Never wear mom pants. No matter how "mommy" you are.
You had a dream. To make a difference. Do. not. forget.
Stay informed. Remember what you love to do, see, hear
create
work on that indecisive thing. Trust your instinct and don't question it
never under any circumstances puff your hair up high, wear any sort of loose fitting jumper or clothing with animals/fruit/martini glasses on it, call strangers sweetheart or honey, or settle for anything less than you deserve.
Remember that one day you'll look back on this school thing with longing and wish for the endless days in the library, late nights with roommates, and poor dietary habits (oops. that's advice to present self).
be you. always.
M
16.5.09
dandelion wine
It started with an early morning. The sun was flooding into the room and the light surrounding me, lifting my eyelids to enjoy the day. Warmth enveloped me.
His name will be had for good and evil in all nations, kindreds, and tongues. "Consider the implications of that announcement" My thoughts turned to gratitude for that man. My mind has been full of his words, his story, and his faith. Read this. Or this. Or maybe this.
I climbed those steps. Each time I feel like it should get easier but it doesn't. I was met by a sloping, perfectly cared-for hill of green grass and a view that belonged on a postcard. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. Exploit it. It will always be there but I will not always be here. Remember.
I cuddled to him close, his tired eyes struggling to awake. He rubbed his blanky back and forth in his ear subconsciously and burrowed his head in my side. That smile. Those eyes. I just melt. He pulled a popsicle out of the box "here ya go sissy!" pulled one out for himself and we were out on the lawn laughing as his popsicle fell apart and he slurped up as much as he could. I've never seen such excitement bottled up in one little body. Perfect. Day.
I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. I told myself I'd make it quick and easy. No pain. I felt like I my feet were dragging as I stumbled out of the house. But as the cement turned into asphalt and the song finally came on, I couldn't help but smile. Faster, faster, faster. Push, breathe, harder. More. I wanted to breathe harder, until the oxygen permeated every last inch of my body and soul. I looked around: green. Someone seemed to have slipped a green filter lens over my eyes for that is all I could behold. Life.
It's finally summer.
It's here. I'm here. Happy. Content. Grateful. Free.
M
His name will be had for good and evil in all nations, kindreds, and tongues. "Consider the implications of that announcement" My thoughts turned to gratitude for that man. My mind has been full of his words, his story, and his faith. Read this. Or this. Or maybe this.
I climbed those steps. Each time I feel like it should get easier but it doesn't. I was met by a sloping, perfectly cared-for hill of green grass and a view that belonged on a postcard. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. Exploit it. It will always be there but I will not always be here. Remember.
I cuddled to him close, his tired eyes struggling to awake. He rubbed his blanky back and forth in his ear subconsciously and burrowed his head in my side. That smile. Those eyes. I just melt. He pulled a popsicle out of the box "here ya go sissy!" pulled one out for himself and we were out on the lawn laughing as his popsicle fell apart and he slurped up as much as he could. I've never seen such excitement bottled up in one little body. Perfect. Day.
I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. I told myself I'd make it quick and easy. No pain. I felt like I my feet were dragging as I stumbled out of the house. But as the cement turned into asphalt and the song finally came on, I couldn't help but smile. Faster, faster, faster. Push, breathe, harder. More. I wanted to breathe harder, until the oxygen permeated every last inch of my body and soul. I looked around: green. Someone seemed to have slipped a green filter lens over my eyes for that is all I could behold. Life.
It's finally summer.
It's here. I'm here. Happy. Content. Grateful. Free.
M
6.5.09
still
yep
still here
still alive
still in the library
still craving chocolate
still wishing for time to be still
M
still here
still alive
still in the library
still craving chocolate
still wishing for time to be still
M
18.4.09
15.4.09
1.4.09
creepy
does anyone else think this is as creepy as I do?
When I went to sign in to googlemail today this is what I saw:
You know all those creepy scifi movies about all of us turning into robots?
hmmm...
M
When I went to sign in to googlemail today this is what I saw:
"Email will never be a thing of the past, but actually reading and writing messages is about to be. Gmail Autopilot automatically manages your inbox better than you can, with zero effort from you. Learn more »
 |
|
You know all those creepy scifi movies about all of us turning into robots?
hmmm...
M
overcome
I'm supposed to be studying for a test, but my mind won't stop racing. This is an attempt to get some of it's contents out in written form with the hope that it will calm the storm so I can get back to stuffing my mind full of bio facts.
I set foot in the library today for the first time in probably two months. It was a weird, unsettling feeling. Like I was being punished for not setting foot in here for so long. I forced myself through the doors, reminding myself I had to have a quiet place to study. Each step down to the 2nd floor was painful. I felt my chest tighten up and that empty, yet consuming feeling fill in the holes where my heart and lungs used to be. As I opened the periodical doors, I was flooded with memories. Late nights, procrastination, cookie dough sneaked in with care, bizarre meetings with boys from our ward, vending machine runs, great discussions... and oh yeah, studying. I realized that part of the reason I've been avoiding the library is because it brings this all back. And all this is something that I lack at the moment in my quiet life. I miss. And it hurts.
As I sat down, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like the books are staring at me, tell me to open them and reveal their secrets. I feel guilty that I never tap into the resources they offer, that I don't take advantage of everything and anything that goes on on campus everyday. I yearn to spend a lifetime here, just to read and expand my mind. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to feel better.
Today, right now, I am overcome. With everything. With everything I want to do, see, be. With everything I must decide... but mostly with everything that I must give up. Why, when one door opens another closes? Why, when I follow one path my feet yearn to be on another? Why can't I have everything I want? Why isn't there ever enough time, patience, and discipline in my heart to have the courage to do what I really want to do, filling my days with light and love, with balance and peace. Why am I so bad sometimes at this life thing?
overcome. but only for a moment,
M
I set foot in the library today for the first time in probably two months. It was a weird, unsettling feeling. Like I was being punished for not setting foot in here for so long. I forced myself through the doors, reminding myself I had to have a quiet place to study. Each step down to the 2nd floor was painful. I felt my chest tighten up and that empty, yet consuming feeling fill in the holes where my heart and lungs used to be. As I opened the periodical doors, I was flooded with memories. Late nights, procrastination, cookie dough sneaked in with care, bizarre meetings with boys from our ward, vending machine runs, great discussions... and oh yeah, studying. I realized that part of the reason I've been avoiding the library is because it brings this all back. And all this is something that I lack at the moment in my quiet life. I miss. And it hurts.
As I sat down, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like the books are staring at me, tell me to open them and reveal their secrets. I feel guilty that I never tap into the resources they offer, that I don't take advantage of everything and anything that goes on on campus everyday. I yearn to spend a lifetime here, just to read and expand my mind. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to feel better.
Today, right now, I am overcome. With everything. With everything I want to do, see, be. With everything I must decide... but mostly with everything that I must give up. Why, when one door opens another closes? Why, when I follow one path my feet yearn to be on another? Why can't I have everything I want? Why isn't there ever enough time, patience, and discipline in my heart to have the courage to do what I really want to do, filling my days with light and love, with balance and peace. Why am I so bad sometimes at this life thing?
overcome. but only for a moment,
M
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