today

today

i ate and thought.




gotta love finals,
m

help!

I'm being held captive by the snow.

I can't go outside.

I.
Hate.
UTAH.
Weather.

m

creepy

does anyone else think this is as creepy as I do?
When I went to sign in to googlemail today this is what I saw:

"Email will never be a thing of the past, but actually reading and writing messages is about to be. Gmail Autopilot automatically manages your inbox better than you can, with zero effort from you. Learn more »

Keep in touch Brand-new CADIE technology enables Autopilot to scan every one of your incoming messages and automatically send the perfect reply. Manage relationships Impress everyone with your prompt and insightful responses to everything from urgent notes from your boss to cute messages from your significant other. Match your style Autopilot calibrates for tone, typos and preferred punctuation. It's just like you, but automated."

You know all those creepy scifi movies about all of us turning into robots?


hmmm...

M

overcome

I'm supposed to be studying for a test, but my mind won't stop racing. This is an attempt to get some of it's contents out in written form with the hope that it will calm the storm so I can get back to stuffing my mind full of bio facts.

I set foot in the library today for the first time in probably two months. It was a weird, unsettling feeling. Like I was being punished for not setting foot in here for so long. I forced myself through the doors, reminding myself I had to have a quiet place to study. Each step down to the 2nd floor was painful. I felt my chest tighten up and that empty, yet consuming feeling fill in the holes where my heart and lungs used to be. As I opened the periodical doors, I was flooded with memories. Late nights, procrastination, cookie dough sneaked in with care, bizarre meetings with boys from our ward, vending machine runs, great discussions... and oh yeah, studying. I realized that part of the reason I've been avoiding the library is because it brings this all back. And all this is something that I lack at the moment in my quiet life. I miss. And it hurts.

As I sat down, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like the books are staring at me, tell me to open them and reveal their secrets. I feel guilty that I never tap into the resources they offer, that I don't take advantage of everything and anything that goes on on campus everyday. I yearn to spend a lifetime here, just to read and expand my mind. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to feel better.

Today, right now, I am overcome. With everything. With everything I want to do, see, be. With everything I must decide... but mostly with everything that I must give up. Why, when one door opens another closes? Why, when I follow one path my feet yearn to be on another? Why can't I have everything I want? Why isn't there ever enough time, patience, and discipline in my heart to have the courage to do what I really want to do, filling my days with light and love, with balance and peace. Why am I so bad sometimes at this life thing?

overcome. but only for a moment,
M