do I want to feel?

I've been thinking a lot about feeling.

Feeling hurts. It digs at our souls and pulls from the depths of our hearts. It leaves us raw, exposed. It causes us to reflect on the nastier moments in our lives, the times we'd rather forget. It can open old wounds. Even feeling deeply happy things can hurt.

So we try not to feel. We pile on distractions and comforts. We plug in to our computers, our TV shows, our movies, our ipods. We hide under books and under covers. We eat through cartons of ice cream and bars of chocolate. We sit in rooms full of people and talk about nothing. We do everything but feel.

And for awhile that feels like the answer. But if we never advance past that stage,  it just leaves us hollow. We become a version of the Grinch, with a heart two sizes too small and eyes that can only see ourselves.

I know that I've posted this quote before, but it's developed a new meaning for me. I feel that Mr. Lewis's words not only apply to love, but to feeling in general. We're human. We were equipped with a whole range of feelings that we were meant to feel. When we don't, those emotions don't go away, they harden us.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

These past few months as I've tried to cope with the ups and downs of The Big Move, I've begun to relearn how important feeling is.  If I don't feel, I am not really living, but simply passing time. If I don't feel, I can't give and love and grow. Sometimes I'm scared or ashamed of how I feel so I choose to ignore it. But that never solves the problem. It only hardens me.

But I want to testify that there is always a way out of the dark and twisty webs of being past feeling. It is called the Atonement. The Atonement can take our broken, small selves and help us experience what it is to feel again. Sometimes that requires that we feel pain in deeper ways than we thought possible, but I also testify that it allows us to feel joys that are beyond comprehension. The Atonement allows us to become people of feeling. People who are brave enough to face fears and have faith and be strong. People who are capable of looking beyond themselves to see and experience how others feel. In fact, it allows us to get rid of the self altogether. We become new creatures through Christ.

And that knowledge makes me feel light and happy and beautiful.

That's all for now.

love,
M

all that matters

The Garden Tomb

 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.

D&C 76:22–24

With the abundance of testimony, both ancient and modern, sealed by the witness of the Holy Spirit of God, we stand firm and unequivocating in our knowledge that Jesus of Nazareth is the resurrected Savior. His arms are stretched forth to all men, who, by accepting Him in His appointed way, may become not just believers but true disciples and with Paul hope to “obtain a better resurrection.” (Heb. 11:35.)

President James E. Faust

"The Resurrection" Ensign, May 1985

 

wonderful to me

The Garden Tomb

I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25–26

“Our Savior lived again. The most glorious, comforting, and reassuring of all events of human history had taken place—the victory over death. The pain and agony of Gethsemane and Calvary had been wiped away. The salvation of mankind had been secured. The Fall of Adam had been reclaimed. The empty tomb that first Easter morning was the answer to Job’s question, ‘If a man die, shall he live again?’ To all within the sound of my voice, I declare, If a man die, he shall live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth. … My beloved brothers and sisters, in our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: ‘He is not here: for he is risen.’”

-President Thomas S. Monson
"He is Risen-a Prophet's Testimony" Ensign, April 2012

Christ shall guide me through the gloom

Golgotha

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Isaiah 53:3–5

             With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

              Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”

               My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. 

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"None Were with Him" Ensign, May 2009

no other good enough

Olive Press

God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life

John 3:16

"Jesus and His Atonement represent the most profound expression of Heavenly Father's love for His children. How important the free gift of the Resurrection is for all mankind, and the proffer of the greatest gift which even God can give--eternal life for those willing to so live and to so qualify"

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

"Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement," Ensign, Oct 2001

the press

Olive Press

 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I. Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

D&C 19:16-19

         "I feel, and the Spirit seems to accord, that the most important doctrine I can declare, and the most powerful testimony I can bear, is of the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

His Atonement is the most transcendent event that ever has or ever will occur from Creation’s dawn through all the ages of a never-ending eternity. It is the supreme act of goodness and grace that only a god could perform. Through it, all of the terms and conditions of the Father’s eternal plan of salvation became operative. Through it are brought to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Through it, all men are saved from death, hell, the devil, and endless torment. And through it, all who believe and obey the glorious gospel of God, all who are true and faithful and overcome the world, all who suffer for Christ and His word, all who are chastened and scourged in the cause of Him whose we are—all shall become as their Maker and sit with Him on His throne and reign with Him forever in everlasting glory[...] 

          Now, the Atonement of Christ is the most basic and fundamental doctrine of the gospel, and it is the least understood of all our revealed truths. Many of us have a superficial knowledge and rely upon the Lord and His goodness to see us through the trials and perils of life. But if we are to have faith like Enoch and Elijah, we must believe what they believed, know what they knew, and live as they lived. May I invite you to join with me in gaining a sound and sure knowledge of the Atonement. We must cast aside the philosophies of men and the wisdom of the wise and hearken to that Spirit which is given to us to guide us into all truth.We must search the scriptures, accepting them as the mind and will and voice of the Lord and the very power of God unto salvation."

-Elder Bruce R. McConkie

"The Purifying Power of Gethsemane" Ensign, May 1985 

in the strength of the Lord

St. Peter in Gallicantu

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3

"I suspect that many Church members are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming and cleansing power of the Atonement than they are with the strengthening and enabling power. It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us—that is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us."

-Elder David A. Bednar

"The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality" Liahona, April 2012

at one

Garden of Gethsemane

5 For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that with power, the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth, who was, and is from all eternity to all eternity, shall come down from heaven among the children of men, and shall dwell in a tabernacle of clay, and shall go forth amongst men, working mighty miracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lame to walk, the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear, and curing all manner of diseases.

6 And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men.

7 And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

8 And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.

9 And lo, he cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men even through faith on his name; and even after all this they shall consider him a man, and say that he hath a devil, and shall scourge him, and shall crucify him.

10 And he shall rise the third day from the dead; and behold, he standeth to judge the world; and behold, all these things are done that a righteous judgment might come upon the children of men.

Mosiah 3:5-10

I weep for joy when I contemplate the significance of it all. To be redeemed is to be atoned—received in the close embrace of God with an expression not only of His forgiveness, but of our oneness of heart and mind. What a privilege! And what a comfort to those of us with loved ones who have already passed from our family circle through the gateway we call death!

-Elder Russell M. Nelson, 

"The Atonement" Ensign Nov 1996

what I really believe

Last week I read this article, part of a regular column Michael Otterson writes for the LDS Church. In the article Otterson relates how church members in Davis County, Utah were asked to help each other clean up debris from a storm and prepare for another one. On that Sunday church was canceled and neighbors gathered to help one another. Otterson describes this as "pure religion" and I couldn't agree more. I am so grateful that I belong to a church that is prudent and practical. Worship is vital to religion, but so is serving and helping the people around you. Acting on principles of faith, love, charity–that is what God put us on this earth together to do. I have never felt closer to people than when I am serving them.

I came home last Friday to find my roommates in the apartment next door. I turned the corner to see why they were there and my eyes met a large puddle (or puddles rather) of water down the hallway, in their kitchen, etc. And there were my roommates with buckets, towels, brooms–ready to get to work. I joined them, sweeping up water (not the most effective tactic, but it did the job). We don't know the girls across the hall as well as we should, but I'd like to think we share something now that is stronger than if we had spent 3 hours talking. I couldn't help but smile as I swept dirty water into a bucket. This is me, living what I believe.

Sunday I found myself among the Christmas books. Every year, no matter what other books I read, I have to include my two favorites at least a few times: The Year of the Perfect Christmas Tree  and Why Christmas Trees Aren't Perfect. It's ironic that their titles are antitheses of each other, because they are essentially about the same thing: giving of yourself when you feel there is nothing to give. I cried as I read how Ruthie's mother, her husband away at war, cut up her wedding dress so Ruthie would have the perfect Angel's dress to wear in the Christmas pageant. I cried as I read of the Queen who saw Small Pine's true heart, that he was more beautiful than all of the other trees because of who he was, not what he looked like. I've read these books hundreds of times, but this time their messages hit me more poignantly than before. More than anything, God wants us to give of ourselves. He wants us to fall, to be vulnerable, to love. When we love others, we love Him with a love deeper and more transcendent than before.


Happy Christmas,
M

being in the world

Finally. This post has written itself in many forms in my head hundreds of times over the past month but I can never seem to pin down my words until now. More of the pieces needed to come together and I've taken up more truth from others who have much more wisdom than I.

As of late I have begun to be intimately acquainted with one Mr C. S. Lewis. Over the next 3 1/2 months my life will be essentially and almost entirely consumed with his words. My baptism into his wisdom has been The Screwtape Letters. Screwtape explains to young, naive Wormwood, that one of the worst things that can happen is for humans to learn to live in the present for that is where the Enemy (God) would have us live. The demons would have us live perpetually looking toward the future. In order to do so, they try to blind us to the divine rhythm of regular life and "twist it into a demand for absolute novelty" (p136, Letter 25).

It is easy to yearn for the new, to push on to the next thing, to demand excitement and indeed novelty. We can waste our lives in it. So often, especially during my intense college years, I am guilty of bowing my head and plowing through to survival, only to take one breath and realize the semester is gone.

Life is like an old-time rail journey--delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

This quote, which is often mistakenly attributed to President Hinckley (although he did quote someone else who said it, source here) has always been slightly unsettling to me. What it says of our expectation of life (to be exciting at every turn) adn the work that it requires to thankful is absolutely true. But what I learn each day on this earth is that the these delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts (the mundane or disappointing moments in life) are filled with infinite beauty. No they are not the beautiful vistas or the bursts of speed, and those moments of awe on a grand scale are precious an important. But the beauty in the small moments is what defines the everyday of your life. And the everyday of your life is what you are made of.

Look at the sky. The clouds have seemed more picturesque and the expansive blue more telling and true. Practice opening your eyes wider to take more of it in. Simplify your life and surround yourself with only that which is necessary or that which brings you happiness (like black cropped pants and owl piggy banks). Abandon homework to bake brownies. Eat cheesecake on the floor in the middle of the night. Read your textbook outside in a sundress. When you walk out of the temple, notices the flowers as you slowly re-enter the world. Write down delightful phases uttered by wacky professors. Count your steps. Dance in your room to that song that makes you smile as you put away your laundry. Look the person you are listening to in the eye and see what God sees as they speak. Notice their funny quirks and notice your own. Look up from your lunch just to people watch. Devour the words that you read. Make connections between each little piece of your life and laugh at how interconnected all the superfluous stuff really is. Write a note to that friend, but write it an unexpected way just to see them smile. Label your food in fridge with things like "M is for magical" or put a pirate patch on the man on the label of your pasta sauce. Live with your heart open. But most of all tell God that you love this everyday. Tell Him you love walking up that steep hill and making a fool of yourself in French class. Take notice of each moment and be thankful. There is joy to be found here. Wonder at your everyday world and it will whisper it's secrets to you.


trying, oh trying to wonder.

M

"Like I say, you stick around and don't let nothing happen."
"You can depend on me," said Tom.
"It's not you I worry about," said Douglas. "It's the way God runs the world."
Tom thought about this for a moment.
"He's all right, Doug," said Tom. "He tries."

Dandelion Wine, p112

today

Spending time with those that I love most (and also thinking of those that I love most who were not with us) reminds me of the family that quietly changed the world many years ago. Today I celebrate the day.

Carol Of Joy

Green leaves all fallen, withered and dry;
Brief sunset fading, dim winter sky.
Lengthening shadows,
Dark closing in...

Then, through the stillness, carols begin!

Oh fallen world, to you is the song--
Death holds you fast and night tarries long.
Jesus is born, your curse to destroy!
Sweet to your ears, a carol of Joy!
Pale moon ascending, solemn and slow;
Cold barren hillside, shrouded in snow;
Deep, empty valley veiled by the night;
Hear angel music--hopeful and bright!
Oh fearful world, to you is the song--
Peace with your God, and pardon for wrong!
Tidings for sinners, burdened and bound--

A carol of joy!

A Saviour is found!

Earth wrapped in sorrow, lift up your eyes!
Thrill to the chorus filling the skies!
Look up sad hearted--witness God's love!
Join in the carol swelling above!
Oh friendless world, to you is the song!
All Heaven's joy to you may belong!
You who are lonely, laden, forlorn--
Oh fallen world!
Oh friendless world!

To you,

A Saviour is born!

awake

[...] Awake, and hear the words which I shall tell thee; for behold, I am come to declare unto you the glad tidings of great joy.

For the Lord hath heard thy prayers, and hath judged of thy righteousness, and hath sent me to declare unto thee that thou mayest rejoice; and that thou mayest declare unto thy people, that they may also be filled with joy.

For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that with power, the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth, who was, and is from all eternity to all eternity, shall come down from heaven among the children of men, and shall dwell in a tabernacle of clay, and shall go forth amongst men, working mighty miracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lam to walk, the blind to receive their sight, the deaf to hear, and curing all manner of diseases.

And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men.

And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.

And lo, he cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men even through faith on his name; and even after all this they shall consider him a man, and say that he hath a devil, and shall scourge him, and shall crucify him.

And he shall rise the third day from the dead; and behold, he standeth to judge the world; and behold, all these things are done that a righteous judgment might come upon the children of men.

Mosiah 3:3-10

Found

I forgot about this post I wrote a while back. Ironic considering it's subject matter:

Often I forget how easily I forget. Which is why I keep forgetting. Wait, what was I talking about?

As easily as my mind wanders while having a conversation about healthcare reform, my heart and head and self seem to forget everything they ever seemed to learn about the world.

How did I forget the transcription method of poxviridae?
How did I forget that I was done with that. That I had moved on, I wasn't going there anymore?
How did I forget how passionate I am about development?
How did I forget that it always takes time to adjust?
How did I forget the three million lessons on faith and patience and charity and pain and fear and courage and hope that I have learn these 21 years of living?

It's an integral part of human nature to forget. Being mortal somehow lessens our capacity to keep all we have learned in the forefront of our minds. Think of the things we would know if we never forgot. Think of the time it would save, the lessons we wouldn't have to learn, the pain we wouldn't have to endure.

However, I think that our ability to forget is also an integral part of the plan. We would never know the joy of coming back into that knowledge, of repenting. The Lord allows us to forget so we can experience the beauty of being reminded. I like the idea of forgetting because it implies that it is still somewhere within you, waiting for the siren song to summon it into illumination.

M

back

Back to school. Back to tests, quizzes, homework and reading, reading, reading. Back to masses of people, long lines, and a busy busy library. Back to the stress, the inadequacy, the failures and triumphs. Back to the long days and sleepless nights. Back to the odd eating habits, the study spots, and the bookstore. Back to wondering about what I'm doing with my life (or not doing with my life), to the feeling like there is always more I could do, to wishing I could just give up, to knowing that I can't. Back.

Back to school, yes, but there are quite a few things in my life right now that I haven't come back to because they are new.

New apartment
New roommates (oh how I miss my old one(s)!)
New ward
New calling
New and harder classes
New language
New coworkers
New volunteer position
New goals
New.

Coming back to the old craziness amidst beginning the new can be hard. And lonely. But these times of crazy loneliness lend themselves to prayer, reflection, and a dependence on the Lord that is beautiful.

And so it begins.


M