real

last night I stepped out for a run under the Georgian sky (as in the state not the country).

I thought about how last week I graduated and then stepped on a plane and that I'll take five more before my feet return to Utah. I thought about how in a matter of months I will live in a new place, go to a new school, and be on a new path. I thought about how next summer I could be running under the Georgian sky (as in the country not the state). Does any of this feel real? Not really.

Graduated. What does that word even mean? Nothing to me yet other than some abstract idea. But I realized that so many big events in life change us in so many ways, and yet we remain the same. I graduated from college, but do I feel any different? not really.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that those five other planes will take me here, here, here, and here?

Not to rub it in or anything.

because I'm that big of a nerd

And proud of it. Happy pi day!

contrary to popular belief

I am indeed alive.

Remember how I thought 2012 was my year? Well I think I was right. The last few weeks have been crazy--full of grad school news, big surprises, several trips being scheduled, school, work, calling, and lots of life. It seems like my whole life has been thrown into a blender and the liquify button was left on. I feel the potential, but I also feel the weight of all the "grown-up" stuff I have to deal with. It's finally hitting me: I'm graduating. And with that graduation I'll become a "real" person (as opposed to a fake one I've been this whole time). There are a lot of things that go with becoming a real person. Am I ready? I can't even change the tires on my car (despite being taught several times) or name all 44 presidents in order.

Oh bother. Still so much to learn.

M

confessions of a man-hater

Recently it seems that every girl I know has a boy in their life that is doing something very stupid. I've had multiple conversations with girls about the hurt all these boys have caused. The conversations inevitably end in frustration, exclamations of loathing and anger, feminist declarations, and a whole bunch of things that boys are doing wrong. And it always ends with an "I hate boys."

I'm totally guilty of adopting the man-hating persona. Throughout my life I've been told I am intimidating and scary, that I need to be nicer to boys, and that I give off this "I don't need a boyfriend" vibe. While I may come off that way (I'm working on it), it's high time I acknowledge how much I really do like them. Maybe the boys in our lives will be better because we look for the good in them and not the bad.

In my attempt at reconciliation, here is a short list of reasons why I love boys:
They see things in a more linear and simple way. Girls get lost in the dark and twisty webs of their minds. Boys offer a much needed straightforward perspective.
In general they tend to be funnier than girls. Humor is so important in life and I'm grateful for the boys in my life that make me laugh.
They push you to do more adventurous things. It's really hard to get a group of girls to go hiking. Add some boys to the mix and you'll be up in the mountains in a jiffy.
They genuinely want to fix problems. This definitely a point of contention (I just want you to listen to me; I don't want you to fix it!), but I think that it shows their love and respect for you if they want to help solve your problems.
They are strong and more physically apt than I am. Cannot tell you how many times that has come in handy.
They can hold the priesthood of God, which links us to them eternally.
Pretty much they are just really cute. (especially when they wear this. I'm totally a sucker for a man in uniform).

Boys are great. Even when they are not.

your reforming man-hater,
M

motion

Life has been set in motion. I feel like all these little moments and pieces of my life have been set in motion to add up to something. I don't know how they all fit together but somehow they do. I've heard several people talk about how 2012 is going to be their year. It holds promise, potential, and life. 2012 is my year too. It began with me starting my lasts at dear old BYU. It will involve several amazing trips, moving away, starting anew, belonging to a new home and (hopefully) a new school. It will mean more fun times with friends, random adventures, time to read, time to live. Each day I wake up with a sense of being on the edge of something great. Guess what? It's a great place to be. But the funny thing is, I'm not anxious for things to change. I'm learning to love this now. And I'm finding reasons to live in this moment instead of longing for the past or future. As the great C.S. Lewis wrote, "this is the eternal now." "This moment contains all moments." The first presidency message this month is about living a full life. As my home teachers taught me this inspired message, I couldn't help but feel the truth of these words:

Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities.

You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

And this song (as cheesy as it is) keeps coming to mind.


I hope your 2012 holds as much potential.

love love love
M

Newsflash: I LOVE MY MAJOR

I do I do. I love that I have professors who love love love what they are teaching and translate that into how they teach. I love that I take classes that push me to think in new ways and are not just about regurgitating information. I love that I am trusted to learn material, to take my own education seriously and not have to babysat through busywork. I love that it's not about getting an A, but about learning. I love that my professors facilitate discussion and push us to learn writing, presentation, and speaking skills.  I love that my classes are small and personal.

Oh and I love when professors say things like: "there you are on a date and then all of a sudden someone sticks you with a dirty knife" to start off a discussion on the immune system.

loving little life (still!),
M

The solution to every problem

But seriously.
I haven't found a problem that dancing to Tainted Love by Soft Cell couldn't solve. Best. Song. Ever.
It's a life philosophy I've been living for quite some years now and it's served me well. 

Happy finals. Mine will be so much better now that I've danced it out.

M

Face

Ever feel like you can't face the things you need to do?

That was tonight. So instead I ate Dove chocolate and watched TV. Not one of my finest moments, but to be honest, I feel better. I've been caught up in the dark and windy webs of my mind for the past three weeks and I needed a break. I just couldn't think about anything anymore. So instead I curled up under the covers and pushed away the guilt.

Tomorrow I'll press reset and deal with the homework and decisions. Tonight I'm just going to be.

The girls those boys will marry

Girl 1: look at this
Girl 2: your abs?
Girl 1: yeah this line
Girl 2: ugh. Is that from your spray tan?
Girl 1: no it's from when she waxed me

Why there are no boys to marry at BYU

Boy 1: I mean when you read you have to imagine things yourself. I would rather have someone tell me what it looks like.

Boy 2: I know, seriously. I would much rather play on my ipad.

did it

I literally did it. I finished it all. Last week, in an attempt to wrap my brain around the massive load that was before me, I made a large to do list of everything I needed to do before leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. The list was looming and large, but IT'S DONE.  The impossible became possible. I didn't think I'd be able to finish it all, but every last piece of homework has been crossed off the list. I wish I could enjoy the awesome sense of accomplishment and relief, but alas I'm running three hours of sleep and still have 6 1/2 more hours until I can have a break and call the day done. Who knows if I'll make it. Each minute that goes by I count as a victory. My head is starting to get foggy and my mind going. If there were things for me to do, I wouldn't be able to focus enough to do them. Done? yes. Delusional? yes. BUT done.

that's me

"I thought only the first assistant went to the benefit."

"Only when the first assistant hasn't decided to become an incubus of viral plague*."

-The Devil Wears Prada

*please note that the real plague is caused by the bacterium Yersinia pestis, not a virus. Not that I'm trying to argue with Miranda or anything...

rebel

got my first parking ticket today. In fact, it was my first driving violation reprimand of any kind.

I know, I know. I'm such a goodie two-shoes. But now I'm going down the dark and slippery slope of breaking the law. Next thing you know I'll be pulling off a jewelry heist.

you know you're a microbiology major when... part V

• You find yourself in the middle of nowhere Provo, in a dark, empty field digging up soil next to the road under what you think is an alfalfa plant, trying to find evidence of the mutualistic relationship between the plant and rhizobia
• you have a class that is solely about pathogens that could be used as bioweapons 
• you find yourself mentally correcting people when they talk about being sick (there is no way you could have strep; you have a cough...)
• you have classes that requiring the reading of novels and you suddenly have no idea how to plan your time or study. You mean I have to read this entire book in three days?
• you are so so so excited for the movie Contagion. Not only that, but everyone you know is excited about it and one of your professor's organizes a microbiology group to go on opening day (which unfortunately I worked during).

As the new semester begins I am finding more reasons to love little life.

cheers,
M

Want to read more?
part i
part ii
part iii
part iv

You Know You're a Science Major When... (part iv)

While my list is not limited to just micro majors this time, it still belongs with my other installments:

• you have to have your hair back and wear closed-toe shoes and long pants EVERYDAY to school in the summer because of lab classes (as a result my wearable wardrobe has dwindled. I never realized how much I didn't wear those things until that's all I could wear)
• you spend $600 on books for a semester and think that is the best deal ever
• you have this natural bond with anyone you meet who is also a science major. They have been through what you've been through: Ochem, chem lab, physics, cell bio, genetics, etc. They understand your frazzled look, the glaze over your eyes, the chemicals still left on your hands, the 5 books in your arms, the NMR sheets sticking out of your binder. You have felt each other's pain (and occasional triumph). They are just as crazy as you are
• you joke about getting cancer from the chemicals in lab and then have a lively and informed discussion about all the things that are known carcinogens that are in the lab like it's no big deal
• People ask you what your major is and when you respond they exclaim, "ugh! that sounds terrible" "yes, yes, that's why I chose it you see, because it is terrible"

And a few that only a micro major would really understand:

• you see little seed pods that have fallen off of a tree and think to yourself, "those look just like the larvae that I spend two months injecting with the plague last semester"
• you go to the doctor and when you tell them that your cough was non-productive and that you have general malaise they say "okay, okay, what's your major?"

still loving little life and science (most days)

M

long day

I just purchased (and am hastily consuming) more junk food than I ever have in my college career.

Potato chips?check
Candy bar? check
Soda? check
cinnamon bagel? check

this, my dears, is the mark of just how long of a day its been.

my blood sugar just went up exponentially.

gotta love college.

M

F-I-N-A-L-S

I love finals week. Okay, not so much, but I'm trying to stay positive.

But I really do love finals week because it gives me a "get out of jail free" card for any sort of atrocious thing I do to my body.

Get two hours of sleep one night? eh, it's finals.
Have brownies and Dr. Pepper for breakfast? eh, it's finals.
Wear random things from your closest that make you look like a homeless person? eh, it's finals.
Don't shower for a few days? eh, it's...

The list goes on. And somehow everyone accepts "It's finals" as a valid excuse for any sort of odd behavior. I feel like I should milk finals week (and the week leading up to finals week) for all it's worth. I'm going to go eat some chocolate :)

you know you're a microbiology major when (part III)

During your international health final it asks: "List three causes of cancer as discussed in our lecture on chronic diseases."

And you immediately think:
1. tumor suppressor genes acquiring loss of function mutation
2. chromosomal rearrangement causing an increase in transcription of proto-oncogenes
3. mutations in p53 resulting in unregulated cell proliferation

Instead of:
1. tobacco
2. alcohol
3. living a long time

oops. wrong lecture. wrong class.

I think my brain has been permanently altered to science mode.

done done DONE with finals. hooray!

M

ps for part I and part II click here and here

fini

Why is it during finals my mind always races? Thoughts fly by so fast I can't even pick one out from the rest.

No they aren't thoughts of Haydn's Surprise Symphony or how alpha-ketoglutarate is converted into glutamate or projectile motion or even the top 10 chronic diseases in the developing world or how p53 prevents unregulated cell growth.

They are to do lists, ideas, goals, lyrics, quotes from books or movies, dreams--basically everything but what I should have learned these last three months.

And they won't leave me alone.

I wrote down as much as I could sift through the other day in an attempt to draw the thoughts from my mind and let it settle into studying. I must admit it helped a little, but they are still there waiting for me to finish so I can give them the attention they believe they deserve.

Until Friday.

M

ps finals week always brings out the best in me: my roommate walked in to the apartment to find me on the floor in my room, books strewn about, "typing" on my computer with red mittens on. "What?! my hands were cold!"

alive

yes. I am alive.
I know that I haven't acted like it lately.
I've semi-dropped off the face of planet.

At the beginning of the summer I panicked. I had too much time on my hands just working. But life went on and I adjusted to my unstructured schedule filling it with all sorts of things to keep me busy, but balanced.

Now I can hardly remember what it felt like, but I miss it. I love school, but the work it requires is never done. It's like the ghosts in pacman, constantly trying to catch me as I helplessly eat little dots in a maze. I guess the dots would be homework? Okay, poor comparison.

I've been thinking a whole lot lately. Which is usually a bad thing because usually that means I've been worrying a whole lot. And I have, I won't lie; it's part of my nature. But I've also been doing a lot of productive thinking. I've been thinking a lot about why.

Why I am where I am today. Why I choose to live my life the way that I do. Why I love the gospel. Why I'm a microbiology major. Why I want to work in international development. Why I read the news. Why I want to be a better person than I am today. Why I am so often alone. Why I seem to be more on top of things than I usually am (despite the bad test score today. Yay for the drop lowest test score policy!). Why this semester what I am learning seems worth spending all the time I spend learning it. Why I need to have more faith, patience, courage, and heart as the Lord slowly unfolds his plan for me. Why I am so bad at having those qualities.

These questions swimming in my head don't really have answers yet. But they've caused me to reflect. To see more clearly who I am and where I am going. So often we act without really seeing or knowing what we are doing and more importantly why we are doing what we are doing. We find the superficial answers easy enough. I do my homework because if I don't I will get a bad grade in the class. But there is always a deeper answer. There is a motive, a driving force, a foundational and fundamental belief.

The answers are all there, buried deep below in the fleshy tables of our hearts. Look for them. I am.

M