I sat down to write my paper about the ways in which bacteria cause disease. It was a tricky business at best. I mean I can whip out an intelligible paper about Kierkegaard, but how on earth do I make bacteria measure up to Kierkegaard? I turned on a little music, something to feel the void of silence that has been creeping around me since I’ve been solo this week. This song came on, not a masterpiece, but it is chalk full of memories from a time that seems far too long ago. I called her and made her listen to it. I hung up the phone and prepared to get back to work.
And then I cried.
And then I laughed. How the heck does a song like that make you cry? But I already knew the answer to that one. I cried for yesterday. I cried for late nights on gchat, noodle fights, dancing in the kitchen, quote walls, diapers, pranks, grey’s, brownies, always having someone there, skinny mirror, tarzn, gossip girl, cakes, creamery on 9nth, runs. I cried for them. It wasn’t a desperate cry, a cry of defeat or despair; it was a cry of change. That we’ve all moved on. I cried because I knew that is the way it is supposed to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for her my veins are about to burst. And I’m so happy for her. And I’m so happy we are all finding ourselves, and settling in to places in our lives that seem so utterly us. But that doesn’t mean that every once and awhile I look back and cry, mourn the loss of something great, even if what has replaced it is even greater.
Somehow during this short year since we said goodbye to apt 2111, with an all out day of cleaning and one last hoorah, we’ve all managed to transform. And it is a good thing. But, all the busyness and plans and homework and dates and exercising and babysitting and extra curriculars and… life, takes its toll. And sometimes I cry.
I’m at a wonderful place right now in my life. I have immeasurable potential, a whole life before me, and lots of great people to share it all with. I’m grateful for all I have. And although sometimes I long for yesterday (thing this song) and as cheesy as it sounds, I am truly grateful for today.
Back to bacteria,
M
25.2.09
21.2.09
Someday
So I've been thinking a lot about somedays (hence my last post). Why I put certain things off, why I do other things immediately, why I want something so badly, and then when it comes right down to it, I can't seem to take action to do what needs to be done. I have a wonderful life. I have been blessed with so many things. Sometimes I think too many. But there is responsibility that comes with those privileges (think this scripture). And I feel like I've been taking all my blessings for granted. Now is my time to act. So... I'm searching. Trying to find my niche, my way to give something beautiful to the world. The day that I posted this, a little gift popped up on my igoogle: "How to Cure Someday Syndrome." So I read. I was pleasantly surprised. They actually had some good tips, and if anything it got me thinking about what I do/try to do/want to do to make my somedays go away. I'm reminded of this talk, something I need to memorize as a permanent mantra. On tuesday this man spoke, and it was excellent. Just one more reminder to do something today.
Someday is no good. It just makes us disappointed in ourselves, and stops us from becoming who we are really meant to become.
No more somdays for me (ok, let's be realistic here, a few less somedays for me),
M
Someday is no good. It just makes us disappointed in ourselves, and stops us from becoming who we are really meant to become.
No more somdays for me (ok, let's be realistic here, a few less somedays for me),
M
18.2.09
wasted
If I took all the time I wasted:
deciding what I wanted to wear that day
checking facebook
eating when I'm not even hungry
checking my email
thinking about nothing
whining about how much I have to do
worrying about all there is to worry about
blogging when I'm supposed to be studying for a test
I think I would have a whole lot of time to do the things I really want to do. WHY? Why I ask you? Why can't I just get it together enough to actually be the person I really want to be instead of always watching others take action while I worry about how my hair isn't curling right.
grrr.... today I am angry at myself.
no more wasting time. NO MORE
M
deciding what I wanted to wear that day
checking facebook
eating when I'm not even hungry
checking my email
thinking about nothing
whining about how much I have to do
worrying about all there is to worry about
blogging when I'm supposed to be studying for a test
I think I would have a whole lot of time to do the things I really want to do. WHY? Why I ask you? Why can't I just get it together enough to actually be the person I really want to be instead of always watching others take action while I worry about how my hair isn't curling right.
grrr.... today I am angry at myself.
no more wasting time. NO MORE
M
12.2.09
Courage
The more I learn, the more frustrated I become. Is that the purpose of the education, to make us into informed, but utterly confused individuals who are incapable of forming opinions because we actually see both sides?
Education makes my brain hurt.
This week the confusion escalated as I listened to this man. I had heard him speak once before, in the White City, what seemed like eons ago. When we found out his was coming to pay us a visit in Provo, we all frantically jumped on the computers and signed up for his three day lecture class on the conflict in Jerusalem.
He struck me as a very interesting man the first time he spoke to us. He was wearing worn out jeans and an untidy blue, wrinkled shirt, but he was very well spoken, using such striking analogies and metaphors I was forced to write them down. I felt naturally inclined to trust his words. I didn't have to sift through his words to find the truth within them. I saw it more plainly before me.
This time he was in a suit. I felt much more removed from the subject, and I felt sadness rise within me that I wasn't as current on the conflict as I once had been. I was eager to hear his words, to let them dance around in my mind. Some of what I heard came back like I had once heard it in a dream. But a lot of it was new. I laughed to myself as I thought that I had spent an entire semester learning about the subject and I had barely cracked the surface on what there is to know. I think sometimes we learn so we can see how ignorant we really are. It keeps us humble.
He is a no nonsense man, one that tells you how it is. Usually I dislike people like that because they come off cynical, the Scrooges of the world. But what I was most impressed with as I listened to him was not his knowledge, his resume, his client base, or even his metaphors. It was his strong moral standing and his sense of hope. He is an Israeli citizen, but he has taken cases up against Israeli settlers, lobbied for schools to be built in East Jerusalem, and knows everything and anything there is to know about the possibilities for peace in Jerusalem. He has done what he thinks is right, in a resounding, impacting, could ruin your entire career, kind of way. I could see within him a strong moral compass, one that he would not stray from, no matter how politically or non-politically correct he was being. He presented us with seemingly insurmountable difficulties, and yet... he urged us to make the difference. That as Americans, and even as Christians we had a part to play in this rally for peace. And we must have hope.
I have been thinking a lot lately about hope. How easily we can lose hope, how easily we can gain it. How universal it is. We may be of different lands, of different cultures, but we all hope. Hope for peace, for a better way of life, for love, for happiness.
Sometimes making a difference in the world seems too daunting. I've always been one to entertain the idea that one day I will make a difference in the world. But as I become more and more educated, I become more and more overwhelmed with the task. Human beings, however fundamentally the same, are very complicated. And that makes making a difference a very difficult thing. But...
If you don't hope, no one will. If you don't try, no one does. The world is vast, heart breaking, and often times cold. But for all the tragedy that seems to emanate from this habitat of ours, there is an incredible amount of good. And my belief is that it stems from hope. Hope in more than life, in a Creator of all, and hope that as an individual, you can make a difference.
As I listened to him, I prayed that I could have such courage. That I could stand knowing that not once had I betrayed my conscience. That I could do what is right because it was right. Always.
The conflict seems impossible and the more I do learn the more confused I become about its intricacies. It's not so black and white; humans are involved after all. And yet... if you take one more look maybe it's not as impossible. One thing I do know, we will never find peace if we don't have hope that we will.
Courage. Courage to stand. Courage to learn. Courage to hope.
M
Education makes my brain hurt.
This week the confusion escalated as I listened to this man. I had heard him speak once before, in the White City, what seemed like eons ago. When we found out his was coming to pay us a visit in Provo, we all frantically jumped on the computers and signed up for his three day lecture class on the conflict in Jerusalem.
He struck me as a very interesting man the first time he spoke to us. He was wearing worn out jeans and an untidy blue, wrinkled shirt, but he was very well spoken, using such striking analogies and metaphors I was forced to write them down. I felt naturally inclined to trust his words. I didn't have to sift through his words to find the truth within them. I saw it more plainly before me.
This time he was in a suit. I felt much more removed from the subject, and I felt sadness rise within me that I wasn't as current on the conflict as I once had been. I was eager to hear his words, to let them dance around in my mind. Some of what I heard came back like I had once heard it in a dream. But a lot of it was new. I laughed to myself as I thought that I had spent an entire semester learning about the subject and I had barely cracked the surface on what there is to know. I think sometimes we learn so we can see how ignorant we really are. It keeps us humble.
He is a no nonsense man, one that tells you how it is. Usually I dislike people like that because they come off cynical, the Scrooges of the world. But what I was most impressed with as I listened to him was not his knowledge, his resume, his client base, or even his metaphors. It was his strong moral standing and his sense of hope. He is an Israeli citizen, but he has taken cases up against Israeli settlers, lobbied for schools to be built in East Jerusalem, and knows everything and anything there is to know about the possibilities for peace in Jerusalem. He has done what he thinks is right, in a resounding, impacting, could ruin your entire career, kind of way. I could see within him a strong moral compass, one that he would not stray from, no matter how politically or non-politically correct he was being. He presented us with seemingly insurmountable difficulties, and yet... he urged us to make the difference. That as Americans, and even as Christians we had a part to play in this rally for peace. And we must have hope.
I have been thinking a lot lately about hope. How easily we can lose hope, how easily we can gain it. How universal it is. We may be of different lands, of different cultures, but we all hope. Hope for peace, for a better way of life, for love, for happiness.
Sometimes making a difference in the world seems too daunting. I've always been one to entertain the idea that one day I will make a difference in the world. But as I become more and more educated, I become more and more overwhelmed with the task. Human beings, however fundamentally the same, are very complicated. And that makes making a difference a very difficult thing. But...
If you don't hope, no one will. If you don't try, no one does. The world is vast, heart breaking, and often times cold. But for all the tragedy that seems to emanate from this habitat of ours, there is an incredible amount of good. And my belief is that it stems from hope. Hope in more than life, in a Creator of all, and hope that as an individual, you can make a difference.
As I listened to him, I prayed that I could have such courage. That I could stand knowing that not once had I betrayed my conscience. That I could do what is right because it was right. Always.
The conflict seems impossible and the more I do learn the more confused I become about its intricacies. It's not so black and white; humans are involved after all. And yet... if you take one more look maybe it's not as impossible. One thing I do know, we will never find peace if we don't have hope that we will.
Courage. Courage to stand. Courage to learn. Courage to hope.
M
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