you know you're a public health grad student when... part i

• one of the professors at orientation counts how many people take the stairs and how many people take the elevator
• you get a tube of clean water, a prenatal vitamin, and a condom among other things to represent innovation and intervention in public health
• you download the CDC's free app to get the Morbidity & Mortality Weekly Report in an awesomely convenient way
• your mother texts you to tell you about the ebola outbreak in Uganda because she knew you would want to know
• you tell people when they ask what you want to do if they've seen the movie Contagion. And then you say: I want to be Kate Winslet, but I don't want to die.
• The girl sitting next to you in class says she tells people the exact same thing when they ask her.

the facts were these

13 days 4 hours 39 minutes and 51 seconds ago I moved to Washington, DC.


In some ways those days, hours, minutes, and seconds seem like an eternity and in others it seems like I landed here a second ago. Either way, guess what? I'm learning to really like it here.

Some great things I've come to love so far about the District (as a native, I'm told, would say):

• so. many. people. All kinds of people. I see men and women in uniform, monks, people speaking German, French, Korean, people that look like they are important, people that rap to themselves (or to the world rather) as they walk down the street. Lots of really great people.
• food. Oh how I am so excited about the food. Someone recently asked me what I'm most excited for in DC and that was honestly my first thought: really great food. I've already been to Trader Joes and Whole Foods and started scheming about things to make. I've started a restaurant list of places to hit up once I have a (somewhat) disposable income again.
• possibility. There is such possibility in this city. So many amazing places are found here and as a result there is so much opportunity in the air.
• free museums. oh how I love them! I feel that I could spend a whole day in just one exhibit. I can't wait to slowly eat my way through each of them.
•  the way people walk and drive. I'm still a little (or a lot) scared of the driving part, but I love that when, as a driver or pedestrian, you see an opportunity to go, you always take it. It keeps things interesting and fast paced. I like it.

M

move.

three days ago I shut the door of the car, wiped the tears from my eyes, and headed east.

Everyone (justifiably) keeps asking me how I feel about THE BIG MOVE. Nervous? Scared? Excited? All of it? And truth be told, I don't really feel much of anything because the realness hasn't settled in yet. I keep thinking things like "when we drive back west we should stop at that restaurant" or "when I get back to Provo I'll have that thing I left in the fridge" oh yeah, not going to happen.

Although it still feels surreal, the universe seems to be telling me its time for this chapter to end. Everything from world events to my moisturizer running out tells me that it's time to go. The Olympics ended on Sunday--just in time for me to watch the closing ceremonies before jumping in the car the next day. All my roommates & I were moving out to head different directions. As we past into Missouri, we saw the hint of fall on trees with tinges of red and yellow leaves and lower temperatures. I spent last week helping my mom paint my childhood room from the oh so fashionable light pink to a much more sophisticated gray.

Amongst the endings, however, there are also signs of new beginnings. I thought painting my room would make me sad, but really it made me happy. Happy it has a new life, a new fresh start. Darling, sweet Finn was born into the world, a new bright light in all of our eyes. Just thinking about leaving him and his family still makes me cry.

In my life there is so much that is ending. So much that has already ended. But, as I will keep having to remind myself over the next couple months when the loneliness and unfamiliarity settles like a rain cloud over my head, there is so much beginning. Beginning means potential, excitement, hope, newness, rebirth, dreams, laughter, growth, life.

move. that's what life is all about.

on reading

"Reading requires a loner's temperament, a high tolerance for silence, and an unhealthy preference for the company of people who are imaginary or dead"

-David Samuels

"Marginal Notes on the Inner Lives of People with Cluttered Apartments in the East Seventies," Rereadings

{un}published part iv

while I'm waiting for my voice to speak new words, I thought I'd add another installment of thoughts I started, but never finished. Once again, I left them just as they are. I think there is something poetic about unfinished thoughts, but that may just be the romantic in me. Read the rest of the series by clicking on the {un}published tag at the bottom of the post.

loves,
M



Went to a fireside on Sunday. Spoke to women about combating common problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. One of the slides said:

Anxious people are usually:

• Conscientous
• Responsible
• Perfectionists
• Worriers
• "Have to do it all..."

Oh dear. If you know me at all, you know that I am all those things.
I went on an amazing trip a couple of weeks ago, one in which all of those qualities seem to vanish and I was just happy and carefree. Since coming back and facing reality, my stress level has increased exponentially and I have some big decisions to make.

• The other morning I got to sleep in (until 8. It's a Christmas miracle!). I woke up to the light filtering through the blinds, illuminating my room. I was warm and cozy and awake, read to begin a new day
• I love being awake when the rest of the world is asleep. Either early morning or late at night, there is something magical about the air when you feel as if you are the only one who it is speaking to. Up early to study for a test or walking home late from work, those times I feel my mind is cleared and my heart focused to listen
• People are healing. Lately I've had so many people from random points in my life make my day. I'm terrible at asking for help. making someone else's day
• having my day made by someone else
• blasting and singing those songs that let every emotion out
• fitting into your sisters high school dance dress
• seeing people you love and haven't seen in forever
• choosing to dye hair when you only have 48 hours to spend with one of your best friends
• having days where you are reminded why you are doing what you are doing and that you do indeed belong
• playing catch phrase with botulism terms

read 2594 pages (that's right. count them: two thousand five hundred ninety-four pages) of C.S. Lewis.

discovered that I love tomatoes. Hello Mr Tomato, where have you been all my life?

realized that I didn't have to put meat on a sandwich. Here's a novel idea: veggie sandwich. Brilliant. Best realization I've ever had.

heard my professors say things like:



just finished my last first day today. I spent the morning running from class to class, laughing at quirky professors, using new skills and trying to remember old ones (haven't used those math skills in uh... 5 years? oh dear). Spent the afternoon talking to my roommates, wasting time, wasting time, and wasting time. Spent the evening wasting time, running and talking to friends. Overall good first last day.



I found this in one of my many old journals, written hastily in the corner. I've been thinking about it today because I have several friends going through some pretty tough things:

I woke up today and you were performing open heart surgery. I could see my heart beating in my chest. You tried to work quickly, tightening muscles here and there. I cried out in pain, blood gushing everywhere.

C.S. Lewis, in grieving the loss of his wife, questioned whether God was the Great Vivisector.  When I heard that phrase, I was reminded of those words I had written long ago, crammed in the corner of my journal. I understand what you mean, Mr. Lewis. I understand.


M

blogging

has eluded me the last little while. I've composed at least 5 posts in my head, but when I sit down to put them into words I just... can't.

I want to tell you about purpose, worth, and reality. I want to write about how cooking makes me feel. I want to share the fun things I've been doing and want to do in Utah. I want to share thoughts on loneliness, phases of life, sacrifice... the list goes on. I want to open my brain and dump it's contents into blogger, for that would be so much easier than trying to find that place within myself that constructs coherent and meaningful words.

I want to speak, but not quite yet.

when I'm ready.

Until then,
M

the ultimate song for introverts

my hometown

Hey guess what?
I'm from Provo.

I know that when I say that around the BYU crowd I am automatically judged. But guess what again? I actually like living here and I think you should too. Sure, I absolutely agree that Provo has its downsides, but it has way more upsides than most people give it credit for.

First of all, the Provo that you hate is the BYU bubble Provo. But there is more to Provo than the bubble. Real people actually live here and they are quirky and charming and dare I say diverse (well, relatively speaking of course). Mostly I think people hate on Provo because they think they are supposed to hate on Provo. But guess what again again? You don't have to.

Being from Provo, I've done a lot of great things here, but I decided that this summer (as in summers past) I'm really going to live it up. I've already begun my summer adventures and I plan to continue making the most of this little college town and the surrounding area.

A couple of weeks ago I hiked Squaw Peak with some friends. As the view met my eyes, I couldn't help but feel so lucky that I live in this place and that these experiences are so easily accessible to me.

Want suggestions of great things to do in the area? Just let me know. If you want to join in on the fun, just let me know too.
(I sound like a PSA, but whatever. I don't care)

love your little Provo girl,
M

dear you

dear world,

thanks for being so beautiful this summer. I can't get enough of you.

sincerely,
M


dear Mr. Forster,

thanks for writing such great novels. Not only are they witty, but relatable and intelligent. I could not ask for more.

regards,
M


dear nice girl in my ward,

when you wrote me that nice note and told me that I should be a character in a novel, I'm pretty sure that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me, so thanks.

cordially,
M


dear summer,

don't go too fast.

yours,
M

rebel

"A rebel she was, but not of the kind he understood--a rebel who desired, not a wider dwelling-room, but equality beside the man she loved. For Italy was offering her the most priceless of all possessions--her own soul"

-A Room with a View, p 118

desert

wholly and deeply dry.

That's how I feel about my creativeness and ability to give lately. I find it ironic considering I just got back from places where the fruits of creativity surrounded me at every turn. I had moment after moment in front of monumental works of art that I've waited my whole life to see. Pieces of art that literally changed the world were right there to touch me.

And they did. Their beauty and power permeated my tough skin and sank into my heart, to be written on its fleshy tables. But the conversation stopped there. Usually I have something to say, to give in return. Usually I'm inspired and thoughts and feelings flow from me instead of just into me.

But here I am, days after my trip and each time I sit down to write or think or give, I come up dry. The answer as to why has come to me in bits and pieces and here it is: I have nothing to give because all I have has been put back into myself.

Over the past six months I've lived a particularly self-centered existence. I had huge decisions to make and in an effort to keep my sanity and pass my classes while making them, I gave myself all that I had. And by doing so, the amount I was able to give slowly diminished until here I am, with a dry soul (and ironically an extremely dry throat). This scripture never rang so true.

As I settle into this summer, which may prove to be my last spent in sleepy little Provo, I find myself beginning to be ready to give. I have the chance to take care of myself and the ones that I love and most importantly: to give even when I don't feel like it. Because as I do, I feel my capacity to give and to create grow hundredfold.

beginning anew,

M

my trip can be summed up in two little words

good food.

Okay, okay, there are a million other words that I could use to describe this trip, so really this is just a start. But boy is it a good start. 

And don't worry, I did take pictures of other things. 

But only a few.

love,

your "going through amazing food withdrawals" foody,

M

real

last night I stepped out for a run under the Georgian sky (as in the state not the country).

I thought about how last week I graduated and then stepped on a plane and that I'll take five more before my feet return to Utah. I thought about how in a matter of months I will live in a new place, go to a new school, and be on a new path. I thought about how next summer I could be running under the Georgian sky (as in the country not the state). Does any of this feel real? Not really.

Graduated. What does that word even mean? Nothing to me yet other than some abstract idea. But I realized that so many big events in life change us in so many ways, and yet we remain the same. I graduated from college, but do I feel any different? not really.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that those five other planes will take me here, here, here, and here?

Not to rub it in or anything.

all that matters

The Garden Tomb

 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.

D&C 76:22–24

With the abundance of testimony, both ancient and modern, sealed by the witness of the Holy Spirit of God, we stand firm and unequivocating in our knowledge that Jesus of Nazareth is the resurrected Savior. His arms are stretched forth to all men, who, by accepting Him in His appointed way, may become not just believers but true disciples and with Paul hope to “obtain a better resurrection.” (Heb. 11:35.)

President James E. Faust

"The Resurrection" Ensign, May 1985

 

wonderful to me

The Garden Tomb

I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25–26

“Our Savior lived again. The most glorious, comforting, and reassuring of all events of human history had taken place—the victory over death. The pain and agony of Gethsemane and Calvary had been wiped away. The salvation of mankind had been secured. The Fall of Adam had been reclaimed. The empty tomb that first Easter morning was the answer to Job’s question, ‘If a man die, shall he live again?’ To all within the sound of my voice, I declare, If a man die, he shall live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth. … My beloved brothers and sisters, in our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: ‘He is not here: for he is risen.’”

-President Thomas S. Monson
"He is Risen-a Prophet's Testimony" Ensign, April 2012

Christ shall guide me through the gloom

Golgotha

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Isaiah 53:3–5

             With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

              Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”

               My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. 

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"None Were with Him" Ensign, May 2009

no other good enough

Olive Press

God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life

John 3:16

"Jesus and His Atonement represent the most profound expression of Heavenly Father's love for His children. How important the free gift of the Resurrection is for all mankind, and the proffer of the greatest gift which even God can give--eternal life for those willing to so live and to so qualify"

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

"Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement," Ensign, Oct 2001

the press

Olive Press

 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I. Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

D&C 19:16-19

         "I feel, and the Spirit seems to accord, that the most important doctrine I can declare, and the most powerful testimony I can bear, is of the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

His Atonement is the most transcendent event that ever has or ever will occur from Creation’s dawn through all the ages of a never-ending eternity. It is the supreme act of goodness and grace that only a god could perform. Through it, all of the terms and conditions of the Father’s eternal plan of salvation became operative. Through it are brought to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Through it, all men are saved from death, hell, the devil, and endless torment. And through it, all who believe and obey the glorious gospel of God, all who are true and faithful and overcome the world, all who suffer for Christ and His word, all who are chastened and scourged in the cause of Him whose we are—all shall become as their Maker and sit with Him on His throne and reign with Him forever in everlasting glory[...] 

          Now, the Atonement of Christ is the most basic and fundamental doctrine of the gospel, and it is the least understood of all our revealed truths. Many of us have a superficial knowledge and rely upon the Lord and His goodness to see us through the trials and perils of life. But if we are to have faith like Enoch and Elijah, we must believe what they believed, know what they knew, and live as they lived. May I invite you to join with me in gaining a sound and sure knowledge of the Atonement. We must cast aside the philosophies of men and the wisdom of the wise and hearken to that Spirit which is given to us to guide us into all truth.We must search the scriptures, accepting them as the mind and will and voice of the Lord and the very power of God unto salvation."

-Elder Bruce R. McConkie

"The Purifying Power of Gethsemane" Ensign, May 1985 

in the strength of the Lord

St. Peter in Gallicantu

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3

"I suspect that many Church members are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming and cleansing power of the Atonement than they are with the strengthening and enabling power. It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us—that is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us."

-Elder David A. Bednar

"The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality" Liahona, April 2012

at one

Garden of Gethsemane

5 For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that with power, the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth, who was, and is from all eternity to all eternity, shall come down from heaven among the children of men, and shall dwell in a tabernacle of clay, and shall go forth amongst men, working mighty miracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lame to walk, the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear, and curing all manner of diseases.

6 And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men.

7 And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

8 And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.

9 And lo, he cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men even through faith on his name; and even after all this they shall consider him a man, and say that he hath a devil, and shall scourge him, and shall crucify him.

10 And he shall rise the third day from the dead; and behold, he standeth to judge the world; and behold, all these things are done that a righteous judgment might come upon the children of men.

Mosiah 3:5-10

I weep for joy when I contemplate the significance of it all. To be redeemed is to be atoned—received in the close embrace of God with an expression not only of His forgiveness, but of our oneness of heart and mind. What a privilege! And what a comfort to those of us with loved ones who have already passed from our family circle through the gateway we call death!

-Elder Russell M. Nelson, 

"The Atonement" Ensign Nov 1996