little

I don't think I've ever felt so small
as I do in international development class

It seems like we talk in circles, my head spinning as I listen.
One person says one thing, another the contradiction. They throw around highbrowed terms, thinking that they know what they are talking about. I try to follow, but rarely get up the courage to say what I really think. Everyone's statements are hollow, empty shells of thoughts no one can manage to articulate. Of course they mean well, but can any of us really do anything?

Oh how I long for sweet innocence! The days when I thought my brain and my hands were big enough to take on this mighty world. Growing comes at a heavy price.

Faith and hope abandon me for cheap thrills down at the carnival each time I step into B032 Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I walk out of class gasping for air. And yet, in the same moment of my despair, fire rages beneath the surface, and my soul is ready to jump on a plane this instant bound for the ends of the earth. An angel and a devil, both enticing me to act and to let go.

I try to walk my feelings out, decompressing as I pound the pavement on my way home from class to my empty apartment. I come in to a room full of things, all their value and meaning useless. Think, M, think. Who are you?


M

writing is an elusive friend. sometimes he comes sometimes he goes. sometimes he is my closest companion, the only one who seems to be there, to listen, to share wisdom and advice, and to tell me things that I knew all along. And other times... he leaves me all alone. I sit down, attempting to call my muse as I desperately try to find the words to express how feel and he runs, never to look back at my perplexed and frustrated expression.

lately he's been unavailable, busy, fickle, mean, vindictive...
just gone.

trying coax my muse back so I can say what I mean to say,
M

It's...

simply delightful
.

P and M you guys are the best!

Taking Stock

I'm too tired
I have a chemistry assignment to do
ha. add it to the list
It's so late
this is more pertinent
tomorrow I'll think about it
I can't think about it while I'm wearing pajamas
my eye hurts

I JUST DON'T WANT TO

But no matter how I try to push, shove, kick, or intimidate the thoughts out of my head, they keep worming their way into my stream of consciousness as if it was a rotten apple.

The worms:
It's time to reevaluate
check out my priorities
face reality
make some changes
do what I know I should be doing
have a heart to heart with myself
admit what I really want
make to do lists and do them
be productive
own up to my weaknesses
realize I can't do everything
find my happy place
Be a better grown up (even if I'm still pretending at it)





I'll start tomorrow.

hehe,
M

advice to future me

You don't really like carrots. You think that you do, but every time you buy them they sit in the fridge for a few weeks until you throw them away.

Never wear mom pants. No matter how "mommy" you are.

You had a dream. To make a difference. Do. not. forget.

Stay informed. Remember what you love to do, see, hear

create

work on that indecisive thing. Trust your instinct and don't question it

never under any circumstances puff your hair up high, wear any sort of loose fitting jumper or clothing with animals/fruit/martini glasses on it, call strangers sweetheart or honey, or settle for anything less than you deserve.

Remember that one day you'll look back on this school thing with longing and wish for the endless days in the library, late nights with roommates, and poor dietary habits (oops. that's advice to present self).

be you. always.

M

dandelion wine

It started with an early morning. The sun was flooding into the room and the light surrounding me, lifting my eyelids to enjoy the day. Warmth enveloped me.

His name will be had for good and evil in all nations, kindreds, and tongues. "Consider the implications of that announcement" My thoughts turned to gratitude for that man. My mind has been full of his words, his story, and his faith. Read this. Or this. Or maybe this.

I climbed those steps. Each time I feel like it should get easier but it doesn't. I was met by a sloping, perfectly cared-for hill of green grass and a view that belonged on a postcard. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. Exploit it. It will always be there but I will not always be here. Remember.

I cuddled to him close, his tired eyes struggling to awake. He rubbed his blanky back and forth in his ear subconsciously and burrowed his head in my side. That smile. Those eyes. I just melt. He pulled a popsicle out of the box "here ya go sissy!" pulled one out for himself and we were out on the lawn laughing as his popsicle fell apart and he slurped up as much as he could. I've never seen such excitement bottled up in one little body. Perfect. Day.

I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. I told myself I'd make it quick and easy. No pain. I felt like I my feet were dragging as I stumbled out of the house. But as the cement turned into asphalt and the song finally came on, I couldn't help but smile. Faster, faster, faster. Push, breathe, harder. More. I wanted to breathe harder, until the oxygen permeated every last inch of my body and soul. I looked around: green. Someone seemed to have slipped a green filter lens over my eyes for that is all I could behold. Life.

It's finally summer.
It's here. I'm here. Happy. Content. Grateful. Free.
M

still

yep
still here
still alive
still in the library
still craving chocolate
still wishing for time to be still

M

today

today

i ate and thought.




gotta love finals,
m

help!

I'm being held captive by the snow.

I can't go outside.

I.
Hate.
UTAH.
Weather.

m

creepy

does anyone else think this is as creepy as I do?
When I went to sign in to googlemail today this is what I saw:

"Email will never be a thing of the past, but actually reading and writing messages is about to be. Gmail Autopilot automatically manages your inbox better than you can, with zero effort from you. Learn more »

Keep in touch Brand-new CADIE technology enables Autopilot to scan every one of your incoming messages and automatically send the perfect reply. Manage relationships Impress everyone with your prompt and insightful responses to everything from urgent notes from your boss to cute messages from your significant other. Match your style Autopilot calibrates for tone, typos and preferred punctuation. It's just like you, but automated."

You know all those creepy scifi movies about all of us turning into robots?


hmmm...

M

overcome

I'm supposed to be studying for a test, but my mind won't stop racing. This is an attempt to get some of it's contents out in written form with the hope that it will calm the storm so I can get back to stuffing my mind full of bio facts.

I set foot in the library today for the first time in probably two months. It was a weird, unsettling feeling. Like I was being punished for not setting foot in here for so long. I forced myself through the doors, reminding myself I had to have a quiet place to study. Each step down to the 2nd floor was painful. I felt my chest tighten up and that empty, yet consuming feeling fill in the holes where my heart and lungs used to be. As I opened the periodical doors, I was flooded with memories. Late nights, procrastination, cookie dough sneaked in with care, bizarre meetings with boys from our ward, vending machine runs, great discussions... and oh yeah, studying. I realized that part of the reason I've been avoiding the library is because it brings this all back. And all this is something that I lack at the moment in my quiet life. I miss. And it hurts.

As I sat down, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like the books are staring at me, tell me to open them and reveal their secrets. I feel guilty that I never tap into the resources they offer, that I don't take advantage of everything and anything that goes on on campus everyday. I yearn to spend a lifetime here, just to read and expand my mind. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to feel better.

Today, right now, I am overcome. With everything. With everything I want to do, see, be. With everything I must decide... but mostly with everything that I must give up. Why, when one door opens another closes? Why, when I follow one path my feet yearn to be on another? Why can't I have everything I want? Why isn't there ever enough time, patience, and discipline in my heart to have the courage to do what I really want to do, filling my days with light and love, with balance and peace. Why am I so bad sometimes at this life thing?

overcome. but only for a moment,
M

"say it"

"say it"



"say it... out loud"

"she is my favorite sister"

"how long has she been your favorite sister?"








"awhile"


Rewind to almost a year ago. One day in May I hopped on a plane due south not knowing what the future held, only that she would be there waiting to pick me up at the airport. The experience was wonderful and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but even she would admit, Chapel Hill isn't the most rockin' town in the US. So, in order to entertain ourselves, She and I spent weeks watching this rewinding to watch our favorite parts over and over, rolling around laughing in her office, days waiting for this (to read the first chapter of this) and hours discussing what was next in the lame but oh-so-addicting series. It became a piece of that summer and an integral part of almost every inside joke we have. The road trip back to Utah came and went. Then August rolled around. Her birthday.... what to get her.... this was only natural.

The Sustainer went out for this (I was utterly jealous) while I stayed at home. The day she got back I said my hellos after a long day of school and went to my room. This beauty (see below) was waiting for me on my bed. Yes! YES! Golden.

"Sweetheart conversation hearts: Forbidden Fruits"
"The Forbidden Fruit Tastes the Sweetest"
On candy hearts: "Live 4 ever" "I heart EC" "Dazzle" "Lamb" "Soul Mate" "Bite me" "Secret" "With you"
Flavors: "Orange Obsession" "Tempting Apple" "Secret Strawberry" "Passion Fruit"
Favorite two features: "Secret Scent, Rub to Reveal..."
"Secrets of the night

• Edwards full name is Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. He adopted the Cullen surname after being changed into a vampire and joining Carlisle Cullen's family
• Edward was born on June 20, 1901 in Chicago, Illinois. In 1918, he was forever changed into a vampire
• Edward has waited 90 years to find his soul mate Bella
• Both Bella and Edward are juniors at Forks High School"

I mean can there be anything better than that? So sorry sisters. I don't know how any of you will ever top this one... Love you Bean!


M

see

I told you


It's spring

everything is growing



M



ps I realized I posted this on the coldest day we've had in weeks, but I'm praying this will send the rain/snow away!

always

I've always dreamed of working in an office. A tall, glossy building with a revolving door and a security guard up front. A spotless, white, chic office. People everywhere, busily going about their important work and me... sitting in an office with glass walls, a neat desk and my own assistant. Each day I attend meetings with important board members and I wow them with my passion, determination and innovation.

Ok, ok want to know the real reason why I want to work in the office?
clothes. Tailored suits, oh! Crisp white collared shirts, pencil skirts, high heels, chic nylons, designer bags to hold all those important proposals. Structured Jackets, dresses, coats and gloves to keep my hands warm as I walk to the office in the city. If I could just hold it all. Just rub my cheek against the silk, wool, cashmere. Lovely. Simple lovely.

Although I’m not this bad, Oh to have an excuse to pay the price for this and wear this or these or this! Occasionally I can’t resist. We are not talking designer here, but still. But then my lovely item sits in my closet waiting for the sporadic occasion in which I can wear it. Sometimes I just wear the beauties because I cannot contain myself, but I feel like a little kid playing adult.

One day. One day I want to have a real reason to wear this. Remind me why I’m not a business major? Oh, because you don’t pick your major based on clothes. Dang it.

the other half

I read this today, and it got me thinking. The interview wasn't particularly inspiring, but she just seems like a very solid women with a good head on her soldiers. Her husband was a man who tried for peace, no matter the consequences. And I wonder... would he have been able to do what he did without this woman by his side?

Women are important. Of course we are. And we contribute to the world in a way that men cannot. As a woman, because I am a woman, I can make a difference. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I would be nowhere without the many strong women in my life who have showed me what it truly means to be courageous, to endure, to love, to work, to stand.


M

breathe

it's spring.






M

I walked into my room after a long day of studying and a disappointing test score. I collapsed on the bed and my eyes met the mess around me. I hate when my room is messy, it is a reflection of my boggled brain.

Do you think that your possessions are a true reflection of your inner self? I surveyed the radioactive waste around me and thought. Powerpoint printouts littering the floor surround a small opening where my body sat for 6 hours today, old tupperware containers, an empty water glass--empty because I spilled it this morning, clothes piled on the chair reflecting my indecisive nature, letters I meant to send, that book I'll eventually read, two alarm clocks just in case, open drawers, granola bar wrappers strewn across the desk--eaten in haste in the wee morning hours--something to sustain me as I tried to stay awake, running shoes, my power cord, the D and C manual, more papers buried under clothes content unknown, a Christmas napkin from lunch the other day, the duke blanket, and a pile of pens I dumped out of the drawer to find just the right one.

If you took it all away, cleared out the mess in big HAZMAT bags, emptied out the closet, the bookselves, the dresser, stole my secret stash of gum and wiped all the dust away, what would be left of me?

What would be left of you?


M

yesterday

I sat down to write my paper about the ways in which bacteria cause disease. It was a tricky business at best. I mean I can whip out an intelligible paper about Kierkegaard, but how on earth do I make bacteria measure up to Kierkegaard? I turned on a little music, something to feel the void of silence that has been creeping around me since I’ve been solo this week. This song came on, not a masterpiece, but it is chalk full of memories from a time that seems far too long ago. I called her and made her listen to it. I hung up the phone and prepared to get back to work.

And then I cried.

And then I laughed. How the heck does a song like that make you cry? But I already knew the answer to that one. I cried for yesterday. I cried for late nights on gchat, noodle fights, dancing in the kitchen, quote walls, diapers, pranks, grey’s, brownies, always having someone there, skinny mirror, tarzn, gossip girl, cakes, creamery on 9nth, runs. I cried for them. It wasn’t a desperate cry, a cry of defeat or despair; it was a cry of change. That we’ve all moved on. I cried because I knew that is the way it is supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for her my veins are about to burst. And I’m so happy for her. And I’m so happy we are all finding ourselves, and settling in to places in our lives that seem so utterly us. But that doesn’t mean that every once and awhile I look back and cry, mourn the loss of something great, even if what has replaced it is even greater.

Somehow during this short year since we said goodbye to apt 2111, with an all out day of cleaning and one last hoorah, we’ve all managed to transform. And it is a good thing. But, all the busyness and plans and homework and dates and exercising and babysitting and extra curriculars and… life, takes its toll. And sometimes I cry.

I’m at a wonderful place right now in my life. I have immeasurable potential, a whole life before me, and lots of great people to share it all with. I’m grateful for all I have. And although sometimes I long for yesterday (thing this song) and as cheesy as it sounds, I am truly grateful for today.

Back to bacteria,
M

Someday

So I've been thinking a lot about somedays (hence my last post). Why I put certain things off, why I do other things immediately, why I want something so badly, and then when it comes right down to it, I can't seem to take action to do what needs to be done. I have a wonderful life. I have been blessed with so many things. Sometimes I think too many. But there is responsibility that comes with those privileges (think this scripture). And I feel like I've been taking all my blessings for granted. Now is my time to act. So... I'm searching. Trying to find my niche, my way to give something beautiful to the world. The day that I posted this, a little gift popped up on my igoogle: "How to Cure Someday Syndrome." So I read. I was pleasantly surprised. They actually had some good tips, and if anything it got me thinking about what I do/try to do/want to do to make my somedays go away. I'm reminded of this talk, something I need to memorize as a permanent mantra. On tuesday this man spoke, and it was excellent. Just one more reminder to do something today.

Someday is no good. It just makes us disappointed in ourselves, and stops us from becoming who we are really meant to become.

No more somdays for me (ok, let's be realistic here, a few less somedays for me),
M

wasted

If I took all the time I wasted:
deciding what I wanted to wear that day
checking facebook
eating when I'm not even hungry
checking my email
thinking about nothing
whining about how much I have to do
worrying about all there is to worry about
blogging when I'm supposed to be studying for a test

I think I would have a whole lot of time to do the things I really want to do. WHY? Why I ask you? Why can't I just get it together enough to actually be the person I really want to be instead of always watching others take action while I worry about how my hair isn't curling right.

grrr.... today I am angry at myself.

no more wasting time. NO MORE
M