{un}published part iv

while I'm waiting for my voice to speak new words, I thought I'd add another installment of thoughts I started, but never finished. Once again, I left them just as they are. I think there is something poetic about unfinished thoughts, but that may just be the romantic in me. Read the rest of the series by clicking on the {un}published tag at the bottom of the post.

loves,
M



Went to a fireside on Sunday. Spoke to women about combating common problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. One of the slides said:

Anxious people are usually:

• Conscientous
• Responsible
• Perfectionists
• Worriers
• "Have to do it all..."

Oh dear. If you know me at all, you know that I am all those things.
I went on an amazing trip a couple of weeks ago, one in which all of those qualities seem to vanish and I was just happy and carefree. Since coming back and facing reality, my stress level has increased exponentially and I have some big decisions to make.

• The other morning I got to sleep in (until 8. It's a Christmas miracle!). I woke up to the light filtering through the blinds, illuminating my room. I was warm and cozy and awake, read to begin a new day
• I love being awake when the rest of the world is asleep. Either early morning or late at night, there is something magical about the air when you feel as if you are the only one who it is speaking to. Up early to study for a test or walking home late from work, those times I feel my mind is cleared and my heart focused to listen
• People are healing. Lately I've had so many people from random points in my life make my day. I'm terrible at asking for help. making someone else's day
• having my day made by someone else
• blasting and singing those songs that let every emotion out
• fitting into your sisters high school dance dress
• seeing people you love and haven't seen in forever
• choosing to dye hair when you only have 48 hours to spend with one of your best friends
• having days where you are reminded why you are doing what you are doing and that you do indeed belong
• playing catch phrase with botulism terms

read 2594 pages (that's right. count them: two thousand five hundred ninety-four pages) of C.S. Lewis.

discovered that I love tomatoes. Hello Mr Tomato, where have you been all my life?

realized that I didn't have to put meat on a sandwich. Here's a novel idea: veggie sandwich. Brilliant. Best realization I've ever had.

heard my professors say things like:



just finished my last first day today. I spent the morning running from class to class, laughing at quirky professors, using new skills and trying to remember old ones (haven't used those math skills in uh... 5 years? oh dear). Spent the afternoon talking to my roommates, wasting time, wasting time, and wasting time. Spent the evening wasting time, running and talking to friends. Overall good first last day.



I found this in one of my many old journals, written hastily in the corner. I've been thinking about it today because I have several friends going through some pretty tough things:

I woke up today and you were performing open heart surgery. I could see my heart beating in my chest. You tried to work quickly, tightening muscles here and there. I cried out in pain, blood gushing everywhere.

C.S. Lewis, in grieving the loss of his wife, questioned whether God was the Great Vivisector.  When I heard that phrase, I was reminded of those words I had written long ago, crammed in the corner of my journal. I understand what you mean, Mr. Lewis. I understand.


M