Back to school. Back to tests, quizzes, homework and reading, reading, reading. Back to masses of people, long lines, and a busy busy library. Back to the stress, the inadequacy, the failures and triumphs. Back to the long days and sleepless nights. Back to the odd eating habits, the study spots, and the bookstore. Back to wondering about what I'm doing with my life (or not doing with my life), to the feeling like there is always more I could do, to wishing I could just give up, to knowing that I can't. Back.
Back to school, yes, but there are quite a few things in my life right now that I haven't come back to because they are new.
New apartment
New roommates (oh how I miss my old one(s)!)
New ward
New calling
New and harder classes
New language
New coworkers
New volunteer position
New goals
New.
Coming back to the old craziness amidst beginning the new can be hard. And lonely. But these times of crazy loneliness lend themselves to prayer, reflection, and a dependence on the Lord that is beautiful.
And so it begins.
M
31.8.10
20.8.10
measure for measure
Casually picked up a MCAT prep book off the shelf today. The size of a phonebook. Even had the same type of pages.
Totally freaked out.
I want to be a doctor. But do I want to be a doctor a phonebook's worth?
Maybe I'll be an interpretive dancer instead. No massive books involved.
M
Totally freaked out.
I want to be a doctor. But do I want to be a doctor a phonebook's worth?
Maybe I'll be an interpretive dancer instead. No massive books involved.
M
19.8.10
16.8.10
Reflections on Moving Out
I've spent more time away from my house in the last three days since I "moved home" than I have there.
My room is a federally declared disaster zone. I spent the last three days looking for my bobby pins. I think they've been swallowed.
I got to choose whatever I wanted at the grocery store to eat and I didn't have to pay for it. Lovely. And spoiled.
I laid down to go to bed Saturday and sighed with delight. Has my mattress always been this comfortable? Spending a year sleeping on an Elms' one sure has made me appreciate a good mattress.
I get to shower with a fleet of pirates courtesy of grandkid bath time.
I'm pretty sure I'll develop a hernia. (okay, okay I'm not going to develop a hernia. It just felt like I would on Saturday). Between moving 1/2 my stuff Friday to my car and then to my house and then doing the same on Saturday and hauling bag after bag of trash from our apartment, I am TIRED of moving things. This is where I lament about the fact that I am a muggle. Bummer.
Back at ma maison,
M
My room is a federally declared disaster zone. I spent the last three days looking for my bobby pins. I think they've been swallowed.
I got to choose whatever I wanted at the grocery store to eat and I didn't have to pay for it. Lovely. And spoiled.
I laid down to go to bed Saturday and sighed with delight. Has my mattress always been this comfortable? Spending a year sleeping on an Elms' one sure has made me appreciate a good mattress.
I get to shower with a fleet of pirates courtesy of grandkid bath time.
I'm pretty sure I'll develop a hernia. (okay, okay I'm not going to develop a hernia. It just felt like I would on Saturday). Between moving 1/2 my stuff Friday to my car and then to my house and then doing the same on Saturday and hauling bag after bag of trash from our apartment, I am TIRED of moving things. This is where I lament about the fact that I am a muggle. Bummer.
Back at ma maison,
M
12.8.10
Today
Today I woke up, just laying in my bed thinking, and slipping in and out of the dream world. Suddenly I blinked and it was an hour later. Time had fallen into some black hole, robbing me of using it to be productive.
Today I took down the maps that had lovingly graced our walls for the last four months. It required little effort, except for the few I had hung using "removable" picture hanging tape. Thanks to Audge's ingenuity and a hair dryer, they came off with only a few bad tears. Everything looked so stark, just the beginning of what it will transform into over the next few days as we all move out and on.
Today I walked to work feeling tired and hot. Just as I was about to reach the library I felt like I was going to burn alive. Why is it always that way: right before deliverance destruction seems the most eminent.
Today I helped a man who made me feel belittled. It shouldn't have effected me as much as it did, and I'm not sure if he treated me that way because I am a woman, but it felt that way. It was the first time I have ever felt that way. Sure I've endured countless jeers and taunting remarks on the street in Jerusalem, but somehow this was different. It made me never want to feel that way ever again.
Today I wrote down some passages from a book that have made my head spin with ideas I had never fathomed. This is why I read, I thought.
Today I had a conversation with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. It felt so good not to have to try to think of something to say, to just let the words flow naturally. Then the conversation was cut short and I was left empty and hollow, wishing that maybe just maybe if it had lasted longer...
Today.
M
Today I took down the maps that had lovingly graced our walls for the last four months. It required little effort, except for the few I had hung using "removable" picture hanging tape. Thanks to Audge's ingenuity and a hair dryer, they came off with only a few bad tears. Everything looked so stark, just the beginning of what it will transform into over the next few days as we all move out and on.
Today I walked to work feeling tired and hot. Just as I was about to reach the library I felt like I was going to burn alive. Why is it always that way: right before deliverance destruction seems the most eminent.
Today I helped a man who made me feel belittled. It shouldn't have effected me as much as it did, and I'm not sure if he treated me that way because I am a woman, but it felt that way. It was the first time I have ever felt that way. Sure I've endured countless jeers and taunting remarks on the street in Jerusalem, but somehow this was different. It made me never want to feel that way ever again.
Today I wrote down some passages from a book that have made my head spin with ideas I had never fathomed. This is why I read, I thought.
Today I had a conversation with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. It felt so good not to have to try to think of something to say, to just let the words flow naturally. Then the conversation was cut short and I was left empty and hollow, wishing that maybe just maybe if it had lasted longer...
Today.
M
3.8.10
wish I might
Dear Universe,
Can I please have an occasion to buy one of these?
Can I have a reason to jump on a plane to here?
Could I maybe be able to eat as much of this as I wanted and not be subject to this?
Oh and if it's not too much of a hassle, could you throw in one of these?
Much Appreciated.
Regards,
M
Can I please have an occasion to buy one of these?
Can I have a reason to jump on a plane to here?
Could I maybe be able to eat as much of this as I wanted and not be subject to this?
Oh and if it's not too much of a hassle, could you throw in one of these?
Much Appreciated.
Regards,
M
26.7.10
victory
everything.
The Monday to do list has been slayed, conquered, overcome, dominated, ruled.
Tomorrow the battle begins again.
M
The Monday to do list has been slayed, conquered, overcome, dominated, ruled.
Tomorrow the battle begins again.
M
16.7.10
If I was one of those people who updated her facebook status...
Today it would say:
Melissa Parkinson is full of teenage angst.
Oh how I hate the dating world,
M
Melissa Parkinson is full of teenage angst.
Oh how I hate the dating world,
M
26.6.10
word
In the book Eat Pray Love, one of the many interesting souls she meets a long the way tells her that each person and place has one word that describes them. After a discussion about what her current location's word would be, he inevitably asks her what her word would be. At that point she has not yet found herself, and has therefore not yet found her word.
It was only natural after reading that that I would think about what my "word" would be. I found my mind combing, but there are just too many and not just one that seems to encompass everything that I am (or anything that any of us are). So I let it go.
Since Eat Pray Love I have embarked on much more daunting literary feats, settling into the 986 page The Brothers Karamazov. It's been a rough beginning. I have always had a fond spot in my heart for Dostoyevsky, but when it seems like 40 pages of the 103 you've read so far are about Christian punishment and the state, it begins to bog you down. I picked it up tonight after a prolonged absence (absence makes the heart grow fonder right?) and stumbled upon a lovely scene. One of the monks is speaking about one of the brothers and labels him with a word. " That is his designation and his entire inner essence." Unfortunately for the brother his word is voluptuary. It made me smile inside that a 19th century Russian monk had the same philosophy about people as a 21st century Italian man.
We are all more alike than we think.
M
It was only natural after reading that that I would think about what my "word" would be. I found my mind combing, but there are just too many and not just one that seems to encompass everything that I am (or anything that any of us are). So I let it go.
Since Eat Pray Love I have embarked on much more daunting literary feats, settling into the 986 page The Brothers Karamazov. It's been a rough beginning. I have always had a fond spot in my heart for Dostoyevsky, but when it seems like 40 pages of the 103 you've read so far are about Christian punishment and the state, it begins to bog you down. I picked it up tonight after a prolonged absence (absence makes the heart grow fonder right?) and stumbled upon a lovely scene. One of the monks is speaking about one of the brothers and labels him with a word. " That is his designation and his entire inner essence." Unfortunately for the brother his word is voluptuary. It made me smile inside that a 19th century Russian monk had the same philosophy about people as a 21st century Italian man.
We are all more alike than we think.
M
24.6.10
for the beauty of the earth
This morning I walked out into the crisp air. The light slid in around me, slowly waking a sleeping world. It was still quiet, which seemed to make my senses keener and I felt like I could almost taste the scene around me-the bright green trees, the birds chirping, the fresh morning smell. It gave me a spring in my step as I walked across the cross walk, the only soul in this morning world. As I started up the stairs I lifted my head up and my eyes beheld a lone hot air balloon popping out amongst the trees. My heart skipped a beat and I thought: summer. It really is summer.
loving right now,
M
loving right now,
M
10.6.10
food for thought
We had planned for weeks and weeks to get the roommates together to take a trip to this place. Finally our dream came to fruition. I had to meet them there, racing home from work in record time, even turning down a boy to be with them (that's what I call roommate love).
Pungent, foreign, rich, vibrant, smells enveloped me and I knew I had come to the right place.
I seem to be indifferent about Chinese, Thai, or other Asian food, but Indian holds a fond place in my heart. We all had the lunch buffet (which I would definitely recommend if you've never had Indian because you can try a little of everything). I walked up to grab food and I was greeted by a rich array of deep oranges, rich browns, lovely greens, reds, and yellows, together beautiful symphony of color and food.
As I was being wrapped up in the warm delight of naan, chicken tikka marsala and rice, I allowed my mind to wander to a place it hadn't in a while. A place I forgotten I loved to be. A place where I dreamed of being in India. Of traveling and exploring, growing and learning, feeling and becoming. I longed to jump on a plane and be off. But somewhere deep inside whispered that this is not the season for such a journey. But soon. Oh how I hate seasons.
learning to love this season,
M
Pungent, foreign, rich, vibrant, smells enveloped me and I knew I had come to the right place.
I seem to be indifferent about Chinese, Thai, or other Asian food, but Indian holds a fond place in my heart. We all had the lunch buffet (which I would definitely recommend if you've never had Indian because you can try a little of everything). I walked up to grab food and I was greeted by a rich array of deep oranges, rich browns, lovely greens, reds, and yellows, together beautiful symphony of color and food.
As I was being wrapped up in the warm delight of naan, chicken tikka marsala and rice, I allowed my mind to wander to a place it hadn't in a while. A place I forgotten I loved to be. A place where I dreamed of being in India. Of traveling and exploring, growing and learning, feeling and becoming. I longed to jump on a plane and be off. But somewhere deep inside whispered that this is not the season for such a journey. But soon. Oh how I hate seasons.
learning to love this season,
M
8.6.10
the law runneth forward and back
We follow rules because they keep order, they provide safety, and they prevent loss and heartache. Rules give us the framework in which we live our lives. Without rules, we would be lost. Rules serve to carry out law. And without law, we would be stripped of our most precious gift. Rules are instruments with which we can use our agency to bring us happiness. We may choose whatever we wish, but rules let us know what is right and what is wrong.
But sometimes we must break rules. Sometimes one rule which falls under one law is not congruent with another rule we wish to abide by. Both are rules, and both designed to keep us happy and free. We then are left to choose which rule we want to follow. Because we are fallible, we will make a wrong choice. Sometimes we follow this rule and break that one when we should have broken the former and followed the latter. Sometimes we choose to save our own skins by sticking to a certain set of rules when we should have set aside those rules to follow a higher law. But when is it right to follow those rules, to put your foot down? When is it right to just let them go? What consequences are we willing to accept?
just thinking,
M
But sometimes we must break rules. Sometimes one rule which falls under one law is not congruent with another rule we wish to abide by. Both are rules, and both designed to keep us happy and free. We then are left to choose which rule we want to follow. Because we are fallible, we will make a wrong choice. Sometimes we follow this rule and break that one when we should have broken the former and followed the latter. Sometimes we choose to save our own skins by sticking to a certain set of rules when we should have set aside those rules to follow a higher law. But when is it right to follow those rules, to put your foot down? When is it right to just let them go? What consequences are we willing to accept?
just thinking,
M
29.5.10
S to L-A-B
I took one look at that piece of Pizza and my stomach hurt.
so big, but so good.
I went with three other friends, so we all picked one and then shared, which was the best idea ever. Thai chicken, BBQ chicken, Buffalo wing, Veg+pep+sausage. I must say that the thai chicken was my favorite, but I really shouldn't even say that, it was all just so yummy. The atmosphere is awesome (different and hip, but not in a trendy, stuck up kind of a way) and the owner rocks (we even got free t-shirts). It's a tiny little place and since the weather was nice, we sat outside. It was a great idea until this darling little boy came and sat at the table next to us. I stopped eating and talking and even thinking and was completely mesmerized by him. I mean the kid had a bowl cut and chubby cheeks, along with a hilarious personality and I couldn't resist.
All and all, success!
M
ps: just a little warning, the pieces are literally a 1/4 of a pizza so go hungry or share or box it up or feed it to the ducks on the way home but be prepared
so big, but so good.
I went with three other friends, so we all picked one and then shared, which was the best idea ever. Thai chicken, BBQ chicken, Buffalo wing, Veg+pep+sausage. I must say that the thai chicken was my favorite, but I really shouldn't even say that, it was all just so yummy. The atmosphere is awesome (different and hip, but not in a trendy, stuck up kind of a way) and the owner rocks (we even got free t-shirts). It's a tiny little place and since the weather was nice, we sat outside. It was a great idea until this darling little boy came and sat at the table next to us. I stopped eating and talking and even thinking and was completely mesmerized by him. I mean the kid had a bowl cut and chubby cheeks, along with a hilarious personality and I couldn't resist.
All and all, success!
M
ps: just a little warning, the pieces are literally a 1/4 of a pizza so go hungry or share or box it up or feed it to the ducks on the way home but be prepared
Gloria's
She had gotten the job, which meant she was not leaving me (yet) so we headed here to celebrate. My first restaurant I got to cross of the list.
mmm, gnocchi. Such an odd word for something that tastes so good. I could hardly remember the last time I had it, and I knew I needed to order it. It came swimming in a delightful rosy-pink sauce. Sadly I have to say, I was a little disappointed. It wasn't so much disappointment in the food as it was disappointment in myself. I knew that I should really love it. I knew that it was good quality, authentic Italian, but alas, I have had no exposure to "real" Italian food, nor do I eat any Italian food all that often, so I couldn't truly appreciate the hundreds of calories that were now coursing through my blood stream. I would compare the experience to how I feel about photography. I can tell the bad from the good, that's easy. But I can't tell the good from the great or the great from the visionary because I don't have the knowledge, exposure, experience, etc. I can tell Little Caesar's from Old Spaghetti Factory, but not Old Spaghetti from Little Gloria's (ok, I can actually make that distinction, but I couldn't think of a better example).
Since it was a little pricey and I wasn't raving about the food, and therefore wasn't sure if I would ever make it back, we decided we needed dessert. If you know me at all you know that any of the following words take away any and all self-control:
chocolate
molten
lava
cake
flourless
torte
triple chocolate
rich
fudge
And that's just what I ordered. A GIGANTIC molten chocolate cake that looked like pacman. It was so daunting I just stared at it, not knowing how or where to go about tackling this giant chocolate monster. It was yummy, but after about three bites I could eat no more (so full, like unbutton my pants full). So it was boxed up and eaten on the floor of my apartment in the wee hours by a bunch of gaggling girls.
Little Gloria's was proudly checked off the list. yay!
M
mmm, gnocchi. Such an odd word for something that tastes so good. I could hardly remember the last time I had it, and I knew I needed to order it. It came swimming in a delightful rosy-pink sauce. Sadly I have to say, I was a little disappointed. It wasn't so much disappointment in the food as it was disappointment in myself. I knew that I should really love it. I knew that it was good quality, authentic Italian, but alas, I have had no exposure to "real" Italian food, nor do I eat any Italian food all that often, so I couldn't truly appreciate the hundreds of calories that were now coursing through my blood stream. I would compare the experience to how I feel about photography. I can tell the bad from the good, that's easy. But I can't tell the good from the great or the great from the visionary because I don't have the knowledge, exposure, experience, etc. I can tell Little Caesar's from Old Spaghetti Factory, but not Old Spaghetti from Little Gloria's (ok, I can actually make that distinction, but I couldn't think of a better example).
Since it was a little pricey and I wasn't raving about the food, and therefore wasn't sure if I would ever make it back, we decided we needed dessert. If you know me at all you know that any of the following words take away any and all self-control:
chocolate
molten
lava
cake
flourless
torte
triple chocolate
rich
fudge
And that's just what I ordered. A GIGANTIC molten chocolate cake that looked like pacman. It was so daunting I just stared at it, not knowing how or where to go about tackling this giant chocolate monster. It was yummy, but after about three bites I could eat no more (so full, like unbutton my pants full). So it was boxed up and eaten on the floor of my apartment in the wee hours by a bunch of gaggling girls.
Little Gloria's was proudly checked off the list. yay!
M
Note to self: don't ever write these posts while at work and starving
26.5.10
here
This summer I'm stuck in Provo and itching to be anywhere but here. In an attempt to make this summer great despite this unfortunate fact, I started making lists.
Restaurants in Provo I've never been to, places I want to see in Utah, ways to stay sane at work (so far that list has not served me very well), things I need to get done this summer, things I want to save up for... lists lists lists.
Some lists are more fun than others, namely restaurants and adventures in Utah so to hold me accountable to these lists and to have something to do at work, I am documenting my excursions, writing reviews, telling stories, etc.
First round of adventure posts to appear shortly,
M
Restaurants in Provo I've never been to, places I want to see in Utah, ways to stay sane at work (so far that list has not served me very well), things I need to get done this summer, things I want to save up for... lists lists lists.
Some lists are more fun than others, namely restaurants and adventures in Utah so to hold me accountable to these lists and to have something to do at work, I am documenting my excursions, writing reviews, telling stories, etc.
First round of adventure posts to appear shortly,
M
20.5.10
W.O.R.K.
I've been feeling the roller coaster of the work force.
Sometimes I help people that are so appreciative, so kind. They make my job feel so worthwhile and meaningful. Sometimes I find just the thing they needed and I make their day. Sometimes I love the people I work with so much I just want to put them in my pocket and take them with me everywhere I go.
Other times my job seems pointless. I sit at the computer for two hours without helping a single person. Then someone finally comes along and they are snotty and mean and unappreciative and self-serving and unkind. And then a coworker forgets to come into work so I have to cover for them or they hover and ask nosy questions or they are just plain annoying. And I want to be done.
Until I think about job searching.
And then no matter how boring my job can be, it seems like a dream compared to formatting my resume, calling companies, and sending awkward inquiry emails.
Work is not always fun (hence why it is called work), but I feel like I'm learning so much at my job, even if sometimes the lesson learned is how to make a rubberband ball after 11 hours of work. And I love that I have the resources to give and save and occasionally spend. I love that I am building my own life and independence.
Isn't it so funny in life how often the things that seem to weigh us down, cause us pain, make us tired and stressed and annoyed and stretched are the very things that give us independence, self-sufficiency, happiness, resources, strength, character and ultimately freedom?
workin' like La Verkin,
M
Sometimes I help people that are so appreciative, so kind. They make my job feel so worthwhile and meaningful. Sometimes I find just the thing they needed and I make their day. Sometimes I love the people I work with so much I just want to put them in my pocket and take them with me everywhere I go.
Other times my job seems pointless. I sit at the computer for two hours without helping a single person. Then someone finally comes along and they are snotty and mean and unappreciative and self-serving and unkind. And then a coworker forgets to come into work so I have to cover for them or they hover and ask nosy questions or they are just plain annoying. And I want to be done.
Until I think about job searching.
And then no matter how boring my job can be, it seems like a dream compared to formatting my resume, calling companies, and sending awkward inquiry emails.
Work is not always fun (hence why it is called work), but I feel like I'm learning so much at my job, even if sometimes the lesson learned is how to make a rubberband ball after 11 hours of work. And I love that I have the resources to give and save and occasionally spend. I love that I am building my own life and independence.
Isn't it so funny in life how often the things that seem to weigh us down, cause us pain, make us tired and stressed and annoyed and stretched are the very things that give us independence, self-sufficiency, happiness, resources, strength, character and ultimately freedom?
workin' like La Verkin,
M
13.5.10
FOOD
I've been thinking about food.
How yummy it is, how much it costs, how my tastes have changed as I've grown, how social it can be, how comforting, how dangerous, how consuming.
I have never been more keenly aware of my mortal state, and therefore my dependence on food, than when I am fasting. Denying myself of such a privilege, such a need, makes me realize how utterly controlled I am by food. So much of life revolves around putting substance into our bodies to give us health, strength, nourishment, pleasure.
And that is how it was meant to be. God made us creatures of dependence for a reason. It reminds us that we are small, that all that we are does not come from inside of ourselves. We are built out of what we consume. Food comes from the earth, the earth from God, a blessing and privilege we have been given. We need food because we need Him.
Hungry for so much,
M
How yummy it is, how much it costs, how my tastes have changed as I've grown, how social it can be, how comforting, how dangerous, how consuming.
I have never been more keenly aware of my mortal state, and therefore my dependence on food, than when I am fasting. Denying myself of such a privilege, such a need, makes me realize how utterly controlled I am by food. So much of life revolves around putting substance into our bodies to give us health, strength, nourishment, pleasure.
And that is how it was meant to be. God made us creatures of dependence for a reason. It reminds us that we are small, that all that we are does not come from inside of ourselves. We are built out of what we consume. Food comes from the earth, the earth from God, a blessing and privilege we have been given. We need food because we need Him.
Hungry for so much,
M
19.4.10
kids today
I'm studying for the dreaded ochem final in the DEPTHS of the library, so you think I wouldn't be bothered right?
Think again. There are two kids studying stats right OUTSIDE of the group study rooms and the kid two seats down from me is watching music videos on his iphone WITHOUT his earphones in.
No wonder the future looks bleak: my generation stinks.
pray I can finish finals without any murder of fellow students,
M
Think again. There are two kids studying stats right OUTSIDE of the group study rooms and the kid two seats down from me is watching music videos on his iphone WITHOUT his earphones in.
No wonder the future looks bleak: my generation stinks.
pray I can finish finals without any murder of fellow students,
M
3.3.10
today
I woke up to go running at 6. ha. hit snooze twice and then gave in and reset my alarm clock.
Even then, I still woke up the earliest I have in days, but was the latest to school I've been in months (you can blame the hair for that one; it always takes longer than I think)
I finally trudged down to the depths of the ASB to get my W2 form. Wasn't even that traumatic
I spent about 10 minutes of the hour it took me to take my virology lab test drawing a beautiful lattice picture of hemagglutination. I told the professor he better appreciate the time I took to make it look nice. He said another kid in our class made his 3D with shading. dang it.
I thought I would be healthy and eat an apple, picked up a granny smith. mealy. WHAT?! I have never in all my life had a mealy granny smith apple. It was curious though... it was only mealy on one side. I spent the rest of dinner trying to figure out why. Wicked Witch? Mrs. Meers?
People keep asking me if I got my haircut. Some guy that I see at work occasionally (and who I don't know) looked at me funny from across the room, did a double take and then when he saw that I saw him said "you did something with new with your hair. I like it" Hmmm, defintely on the creepy scale.
Currently I'm trying to use my mind powers to get this attractive boy using a computer 10 feet away to come and talk to me. It's not working very well.
oh today. it was a good day.
kisses,
M
Even then, I still woke up the earliest I have in days, but was the latest to school I've been in months (you can blame the hair for that one; it always takes longer than I think)
I finally trudged down to the depths of the ASB to get my W2 form. Wasn't even that traumatic
I spent about 10 minutes of the hour it took me to take my virology lab test drawing a beautiful lattice picture of hemagglutination. I told the professor he better appreciate the time I took to make it look nice. He said another kid in our class made his 3D with shading. dang it.
I thought I would be healthy and eat an apple, picked up a granny smith. mealy. WHAT?! I have never in all my life had a mealy granny smith apple. It was curious though... it was only mealy on one side. I spent the rest of dinner trying to figure out why. Wicked Witch? Mrs. Meers?
People keep asking me if I got my haircut. Some guy that I see at work occasionally (and who I don't know) looked at me funny from across the room, did a double take and then when he saw that I saw him said "you did something with new with your hair. I like it" Hmmm, defintely on the creepy scale.
Currently I'm trying to use my mind powers to get this attractive boy using a computer 10 feet away to come and talk to me. It's not working very well.
oh today. it was a good day.
kisses,
M
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